Wednesday, December 21, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14

Dying embers of 2011 extended edition.

CAN'T COME, WON'T COME
(Cosmopolitan, 12/2011)
I can't orgasm during sex and I hate it when men insist on trying to make me. Sometimes I fake one to stop them. I still enjoy sex; I just don't feel the need to climax. Why can't men accept that?

Uncle William says:
Why can't you accept the fact that these men that you've chosen to have sex with can't accept that you can't orgasm? Oh, and by the way, men fake orgasms too.

I SUSPECT MY DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND IS GAY. WHAT DO I DO?
(The Guardian, 10/2011)
My daughter aged 19 is going out with a boy whom I suspect is gay. This is her first relationship, and I am worried for her. We have had lots of talks about him and her sexuality. How does a parent handle such a situation?

Uncle William says:
Your daughter is aged 19. She is going out with a boy. You think it's her first relationship. You do nothing.

REGRET OVER MY BATHROOM ROMP
(Just Jane, 22/12/2011)
I stupidly had wild sex with a girl at a Christmas party and now she won’t leave me alone.
It was a pretty wild party and most people were snogging and groping each other, so it’s not like it meant anything.

 Now she’s constantly texting me and phoning me and it’s driving me nuts.

 

So far I’ve managed to avoid her when I’ve been out but I know I’ve been lucky as she texts to tell me that she’s just missed me in the pub or club and could I just meet her.

 
Well, the answer is no.

 
The fact is that this girl made all the running and started dancing in front of me. Then she got close and started to kiss my neck.

What’s a guy to do?

 Pushing her off would have just been rude and when she started pulling me towards the bathroom who was I to say no?

 
Within seconds we had our clothes off and were having sex on the floor by the bath. 


Luckily I had a condom and after we had finished we got dressed and I suggested we leave separately. I told her to wait five minutes and went home.

 
I later heard that she’d been looking for me everywhere

. Now I can’t get rid of her.

 I promised her nothing and it was her who made the first move and dragged me to the bathroom.

 How can I get her off my back?

Uncle William says:
Men, and I hesitate to use the word 'man' in your case, can be such adolescent fools.
Don't you realise it's exactly your stupid asshole avoidance strategy that makes it mean something. You give somebody a nice piece of something and then whisk it away from them for no obvious reason, then they're going to come running after it, maybe obsessively.
How about you strap on a pair, phone her to meet up for coffee, and tell her face to face that you're not ready for a relationship?
How hard really is that?

And on that note, your Uncle William wishes an intensely happy and fruitful 2012 to everyone who reads this stuff.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 6

More new shows added, including some details on the tour Stateside! As usual, more info is on the way.

19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : Islington Mill (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
tbc Feb : (Seattle, USA)
tbc Feb : (Portland, USA)
tbc Feb : (San Francisco, USA)
tbc Feb : (Los Angeles, USA)
tbc Feb : (Austin, USA)
17th Feb : tbc (St. Louis, USA)
18th Feb : Empty Bottle (Chicago, USA)
19th Feb : tbc (Cleveland, USA)
21st Feb : (Pittsburgh, USA)
23rd Feb : tbc (Washington DC, USA)
24th Feb : Public Assembly (New York, USA)
25th Feb : tbc (Boston, USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)

Monday, November 28, 2011

CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 5

Some new shows added at what are going to be unmissable events. More details soon.

28th Nov : Sonic (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : Ilot 13 (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - Incapacitants 30th Anniversary + Ramleh
4th Dec : Club Metro (Kyoto, Japan) + Ramleh
10th Dec : Occii (Amsterdam, Netherlands)

2012
19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
14th-25th Feb : (USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th-30th Mar : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13

MY DIRTY RAT
(The Daily Star, 1/12/11)
Over the summer I got caught up in a stupid affair with a married bloke from my office.
I lost my head for the best part of ten weeks.

I drank too much, skipped work and really let myself down.



He and I visited a seedy hotel not far from our office where we had regular sex. I let him do all sorts of dirty things to me.

 We used sex toys, especially bondage straps. He took photos and videos on his mobile phone.


One night, he paid for a hooker from the street below to come up and have a threesome with us.

 She was a ballsy, matter-of-fact woman who clearly thought we were a couple of idiots with more money than sense. At the time, I thought we were being edgy and ironic.

 I thought it was so clever and funny. But now I look back and cry. How could I have been so stupid?


The most humiliating part is that my "love" dumped me soon after I helped him clear his overdraft. He was paranoid about his wife finding out about his “extra- curricular” spending.

 Now he’s with another girl from our office and I’m convinced he’s told her all about me.

 They’re together all the time, giggling and flirting.


The other day my mate took me to the pizza place next to work for her birthday and they were in there. 

I actually heard him snort with laughter as I arrived.

 He whispered something to her and she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I fled in tears.


Everyone keeps telling me to ignore them. They say he’s a snake with a horrible reputation. 

But I fell for him. At one point I even thought I loved him and asked him to leave his wife for me.

 
How does that make me look? And what does that say about my rubbish sense of judgment?

Uncle William says:
How does that make you look?! Your sense of judgment?!
The only thing it says about you is that you're no different to anyone else. You too suffer from that maddeningly incurable human disease of always having to be right and seen to be right. Fuck that shit.
I get that you think you made a mistake.
Well, so what? It's part of a process called learning.
Here specifically it was the priceless lesson that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that asshole. And you even had some fun while that happened in the form of some delightfully corrupt reprehensible sex in a seedy hotel room.
Take pride in making mistakes, celebrate being wrong. It's attractive and I like you all the more for it.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12

I'M A SLAVE TO MY BRAT GIRL
 (The Daily Star, 9/11/11)
My girlfriend’s typical day goes something like this. Up at the crack of noon, beauty treatments, lunch and shopping until 4pm. Then it’s back home for Facebook, online browsing and catalogues until I stagger in at 6pm. She then lies back on the settee and orders me to cook her favourite foods while she watches soaps or chats to friends.

I’m left to clear up the flat, organise the washing and pay the bills, all on top of working a full day. To say she’s a diva is being nice. 
To say she’s a lazy, greedy, grasping brat is more the truth.
 I’m the only one earning any money, but it doesn’t cross her mind to pitch in or help out. 
All she does is take, take, take and demand more from me.
 She’s only just had her birthday and now she’s talking about what she wants for Christmas and the New Year (yep, I’m required to buy her a New Year present too). 
At the moment she’s also obsessed with where she wants to go on holiday next summer: Ibiza or somewhere more exotic. It’s all such a dilemma...

Come 10pm, just as I’m drying the last of the pots, she genuinely expects me to come over all romantic and whisk her off to bed for a night of passion. When I try to point out that I’m knackered and feel about as frisky as the dishcloth she goes into a major strop. She accuses me of neglecting her and not putting enough effort into our relationship. Ha. That’s a joke. I’m the only one putting any effort into anything.

Whenever I suggest her getting a job she says she won’t because she’s got a phobia about public transport and can’t get on a bus. If ever I beg her to help me around the flat she sniffs that it’s not her problem, because it’s not her flat, it’s mine.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

Uncle William says:
Every single time you give in to the demands, every time you tolerate her bratty behaviour, every time you beg for her help, she hates you just that little bit more.
To begin with, it was a test to see if you're man enough for her. And you failed. Not even a boy, you're a bitch wimp.
And now she's enjoying this free easy comfy ride perhaps occasionally recalling the dream of what being with a man would really be like. Being with that someone who'd call her on her bullshit, that someone who'd take her on his whims, that someone who'd ruthlessly expect her to be woman enough to have to deserve her rewards.
It's over, at least man up to tell her you're finished. This relationship is dead.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9

Thursday, October 27, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11

I FEEL SUCH A PLONKER FOR SLEEPING WITH WINE SHOP BOSS
(The Sun, 26/10/11)
I've done something so stupid and regrettable - I've had sex with the manager of the wine shop where I work.
I'm 24 and this guy I work with is 30. We run a big wine shop where wine-buffs come in and bulk-buy it by the case.
My boss is full of himself and married but it's no secret that he shags around. He's been known to go with customers as well as other girls who work with me, and I know he had sex with the girl who had my job before me. I was determined he wasn't going to get his paws on me as he treats girls so badly.
But then we went away for a weekend to a big wine-tasting exhibition. My boss was lording it up as usual and started sending me flirty texts, saying how lovely I was.
We went back to our hotel and he invited me up to his room and tried to seduce me, but I said to him, "I know what will happen; I'll sleep with you and you'll then you'll ignore me."
He denied it, saying he'd never treat me that way. I gave in – he won – and we ended up in the sack. He was a great lover and I thought we had something going.
We got back to work and it was a different story. Just as I'd predicted, he ignored me when I walked past his office shouting hello. He just gave me an evil look.
How can I work with him when he knows what is underneath my clothes and I know what he's got in his trousers?
I'm married and my husband treats me well, so why have I been such a fool?

Uncle William says:
Really, it's no mystery, we've seen it all before.
Uncle William knows what you've got underneath your clothes, we all know what you've got underneath your clothes, and believe me, you're no different to anyone else.
And furthermore, that pussy of yours is greedy and that's great. Enjoy it. Admit it. And quit trying to use it as a means for soul possession.
You got to go for a swanky weekend tasting fine wines, you got enjoyably and satisfyingly fucked, and best of all, your boss isn't making a creepy fuss about your indiscretions. What a gentleman. You're a lucky girl.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

Monday, October 10, 2011

CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 4

New Cut Hands shows added for Vienna, Berlin, and Poznan now confirmed for 21st November.

10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland) - sold out
21st Oct : Blackest Ever Black (London, UK) - Regis + Raime + special guest
23rd Oct : Supersonic Festival (Birmingham, UK)
2nd Nov : Mayhem (Copenhagen, Denmark)
11th Nov :
www.magasin4.be (Brussels, Belgium)
19th Nov : (Gdansk, Poland)

21st Nov : (Poznan, Poland)

28th Nov : (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - Incapacitants 30th Anniversary + Ramleh
4th Dec : (Kyoto, Japan) - Ramleh
10th Dec : (Amsterdam, Netherlands)

2012

19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
21st Jan : King Kong Club (Berlin, Germany)

tbc Jan : (Paris, France)

tbc Jan : (Barcelona, Spain)

4th Feb : (Manchester, UK)
tbc Feb : tour (USA)
tbc Mar : (Saint Etienne, France)

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

ACQUISITIONS 16

reading
The Fatal Gift Of Beauty: The Trials Of Amanda Knox - Nina Burleigh
Demonic Males - Richard Wrangham, Dale Peterson
Clint, The Life And Legend - Patrick McGilligan
The Psychology Of Everyday Things - Donald A. Norman

listening
From The Bogs Of Aughiska - From The Bogs Of Aughiska (CD)
Out Of Your Mind - Alan Watts (CD)
Various - Yerevan Tapes (Soundcloud)

viewing
Sinai Field Mission - Frederick Wiseman
Great White Death - Jean-Patrick Lebel
Cropsey - Barbara Brancaccio, Joshua Zeman

ACQUISITIONS 15
ACQUISITIONS 14
ACQUISITIONS 13

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 3

Some great new shows added to the list including an extra date in Poland (in Poznan), a return to Japan for Incapacitants 30th Anniversary, plus Leeds on January 14th.
24th Sep 2011 : Netwerk CCA (Aalst, Belgium)
30th Sep : Endtyme (Manchester, UK)
10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland)
12th Oct :
Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland)
21st Oct : Blackest Ever Black (London, UK)
23rd Oct : Supersonic Festival (Birmingham, UK)
2nd Nov : Mayhem (Copenhagen, Denmark)
4th Nov : tbc (Netherlands)
11th Nov : (Brussels, Belgium)
19th Nov : (Gdansk, Poland)

20th Nov : (Poznan, Poland)

tbc Nov : (Tallinn, Estonia)
tbc Nov : (Estonia)
23rd Nov : (Riga, Latvia)

25th Nov : (Vilnius, Lithuania)
28th Nov : (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - Incapacitants + Ramleh
4th Dec : (Kyoto, Japan)
10th Dec : (Amsterdam, Netherlands)
14th Jan 2012 : (Leeds, UK)
tbc Jan : (Paris, France)

19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
21st Jan : tbc (Berlin, Germany)
tbc Jan : (Barcelona, Spain)

4th Feb : (Manchester, UK)
tbc Feb : tour (USA)
tbc Mar : (Saint Etienne, France)

Thursday, September 08, 2011

ACQUISITIONS 15

reading
The Trial Of Socrates - I.F. Stone
Monster - Allan Hall
Fermat's Last Theorem - Simon Singh
Art And Utopia: Limited Action

listening
Gyo-Kai Elegy - Toshiji Mikawa (CD)
Sec End - Incapacitants (CD)
G*Park - Reuters (LP)
My Heart's On Fire (Soul Desire) - Moses Tyson (12")

viewing
Zoo - Frederick Wiseman
La Danse - Frederick Wiseman
The Store - Frederick Wiseman

ACQUISITIONS 14
ACQUISITIONS 13
ACQUISITIONS 12

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 2

4th Sep : Music Is The Music Language Festival (Glasgow, UK)
24th Sep : CCA (Aalst, Belgium)
30th Sep : Endtyme (Manchester, UK)
10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland)
21st Oct : Blackest Ever Black (London, UK)
23rd Oct : Supersonic Festival (Birmingham, UK)
2nd Nov : Festival (Copenhagen, Denmark) - NEW SHOW ADDED!
11th Nov : (Brussels, Belgium)
18th Nov : (Poznan, Poland) - NEW SHOW ADDED
19th Nov : (Gdansk, Poland)
25th Nov : (Vilnius, Lithuania)
tbc Nov : (Estonia)
tbc Nov : (Latvia)
28th Nov : (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - NEW SHOW ADDED!
tbc Dec : (Oslo, Norway)
14th Jan : (Leeds, UK)
tbc Jan 2012 : (Barcelona, Spain)
tbc Feb 2012 : tour (USA)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

CUT HANDS : LIVE UPDATE

16th Aug : Edinburgh Festival (Edinburgh, UK)
19th Aug : DOMMUNE ZERO Festival (Kawasaki, Japan)
23rd Aug : DOMMUNE venue (Tokyo, Japan) - EXTRA SHOW
4th Sep : Cry Parrot Festival (Glasgow, UK)
24th Sep : Netwerk (Brussels, Belgium)
30th Sep : Endtyme (Manchester, UK) - NEW SHOW ADDED!
10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland)
21st Oct : Blackest Ever Black (London, UK)
23rd Oct : Supersonic Festival (Birmingham, UK)
2nd Nov : (Copenhagen, Denmark) - NEW SHOW ADDED!
11th Nov : (Brussels, Belgium)
19th Nov : (Gdansk, Poland)
tbc Nov : (Lithuania)
tbc Nov : (Estonia)
tbc Nov : (Latvia)
tbc Nov : (Lyon, France)
tbc Nov : (Geneva, Switzerland)
tbc Dec : (Oslo, Norway)
tbc February 2012 : tour (USA)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011

CUT HANDS : EDINBURGH FESTIVAL

A Cut Hands performance at Edinburgh Festival (part of the Edge Festival) on 16th August before flying to Japan the next morning! It's taking place at Sneaky Pete's in the mysterious Cowgate at 7.30pm. Tickets are £6 and can be booked online via TicketWeb.

Sneaky Pete's at Facebook

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

CUT HANDS : DOMMUNE FESTIVAL JAPAN

There'll be a Cut Hands performance as part of the Dommune Zero Festival in Japan on August 19th in aid of the earthquake relief effort. Also performing will be Jeff Mills, Hijokaidan, Merzbow, Boredoms, Keiji Haino, and many others.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

ACQUISITIONS 14

reading
Collapse VII - various (Urbanomic)
Vinyl Records - Guy Schraenen
The Commissar Vanishes - David King
Have Gun Will Travel - Ronin Ro

listening
Abe Sada - Redux (LP)
Ruby - Gata Negra (LP)
Abgegriffen - Institut Für Feinmotorik (LP)
Van Nuys Blvd. (original soundtrack)- Ken Mansfield + Ron Wright (LP)
Speculative Solution - Florian Hecker (CD)

viewing
Inside Syria - VBS documentary
Copa América 2011 
Aspen - Frederick Wiseman
Domestic Violence - Frederick Wiseman

ACQUISITIONS 13
ACQUISITIONS 12
ACQUISITIONS 11

Monday, June 27, 2011

CUT HANDS ALBUM UPDATE 5

Cut Hands - Afro Noise I

Volume 1
A01 Welcome To The Feast Of Trumpets
A02 Stabbers Conspiracy
A03 Rain Washes Over Chaff
A04 Nzambi Ia Lufua

B01 Who No Knows Go Knows
B02 ++++ (Four Crosses)
B03 Brown-Brown
B04 Shut Up And Bleed

Volume 2
C01 Munkisi Munkondi
C02 Impassion
C03 Ezili Freda
C04 Nzambi Ia Muini

D01 Bia Mintatu
D02 Kongo
D03 Backlash
D04 Rain Washes Away Every Thing

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM...

... is on a sabbatical. In the meantime he thanks everyone for tuning in :-)

Monday, June 06, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10

WHY IS MY MAN ALWAYS NAGGING ME TO LOOK SMARTER?
(Daily Mail 6/6/11)
For the past six months, I’ve been going out with a man who seems like a great match for me. We’re both divorced with teenagers and have plenty of shared interests and friends.
The sex would be good, too, if he wasn’t so critical about my personal grooming. He is always nagging me to wax, wear make-up or to get my hair done. I’ve always felt you should be happy in your own skin and that it’s a form of weakness to spend your time primping for men.
He says that if I really loved him I’d make a bit of effort to look glamorous in the bedroom, but I think he should love me as I am. How can we resolve this?


Uncle William says:
Personal grooming as a form of weakness, right.
Why not go a week without a shower until every pore of your flabby hairy excreting body is stinked up with putrid residue? Keep those repulsive leggings on at all times along with that baggy sports top. Oh, and the underwear'll be fine too, the scraggly ill-fitting beige bra and pants. Also, leave those matted locks just the way they are, nice and greasy and bedraggled.
Because then we'll find out if that bastard is capable of showing you the real love you feel you're so deserving of.
For fuck's sake, is this some kind of rutting contest or an intimate loving relationship?
Resolve it by dressing like an expensive slut. In the bedroom and everywhere else. You should know that Uncle William would, at the very least, demand that.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

CUT HANDS ALBUM UPDATE 4

It's been absolutely thrilling to get so much fantastic feedback for this album via personal messages and some early reviews, it really means a lot; not only that, it's been the fastest-selling record I've ever been part of, by quite a distance. Very exciting. This good will was, nevertheless, tempered by some scathing criticism from the encrusted keyboards of a couple of Finnish noisabilly scenesters. Oh well.

Likewise, there's a neighbour who, over these four years, has complained regularly and bitterly about the 'disturbing percussion sounds coming from upstairs'. Fortunately, as we have different entrances going in and out, he doesn't know who I am; I, however, do perfectly know what he looks like and let me assure you he's more than vaguely creepy-looking. What's really weird is one time he kicked up an especially huge fuss over 'those fucking voodoo drums'. I was on holiday.

Good news on the vinyl front: Afro Noise I will be split into two separate volumes, each with extra material. More details on that coming soon.

After a few days' toil, we've finally managed to finish off rendering the all-new visuals for live performances. First showing will be at around 11pm this Friday at the big show at the Glasgow School of Art; if you can, come along, you should know it'll be an amazing night.

Anyway, another limited batch of the Cut Hands art postcards for new orders has landed, the ones stocks of which so quickly ran dry. If you didn't get a brace with your order from Susan Lawly, then drop me a line and I'll ensure that particular wrong is righted.

CUT HANDS ALBUM UPDATE 3

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9

MY MARRIED BOSS LOVES ME BUT WON'T LEAVE HER HUSBAND
(The Sun 27/05/11)
I've been having fantastic sex with a work colleague for six months now. We can't resist one another but she's married.
I'm a guy of 25 and my lover is 34 and married. I work in a care-home and she is my supervisor. It was hard to settle in but she took me under her wing from the start and gave me the easier residents to look after, and so and I began to enjoy it.
The day-staff went out for a pizza one night and we sat together. We had a lot to drink and shared a taxi home as we live near to each other. She started to feel a bit queasy in the cab so when we got to my place, I suggested she came in to have some water and sober up, and I'd walk her home from there. We got to through the front door and she tripped up the stairs to my flat. I caught her arm and we had a fit of giggles, then she fell against me and I kissed her.
We went upstairs and I took her through to my bedroom and we had sex. She made me feel alive. She knew exactly what to do to make me feel good.
I took her home later and at work the next day, she said she'd enjoyed it so much. We've been going back to my flat for sex whenever we can. She's said she's in love with me and I know I love her. She's tried to end our relationship three times now but we can't resist each other. She told me last week that she loves her husband and again said we really have got to stop our affair, but by yesterday she was begging me back to bed. I don't know what to do.


Uncle William says:
Let me get this straight: you're having regular sessions of hot monkey sex with an attractive more experienced lover, no strings attached, and you don't know what to do. Seriously? Here we go again. How about you get down on your knees and offer some fervent gratitude toward your deity of choice.
Guys and their pathetic fidgety games of possession: clingy boyfriends getting all uptight about what girlfriends might be up to, who they're looking at, who's looking at them, what they're wearing; just as uptight fathers react to the increasingly rival male attention enjoyed by teen daughters. Ultimately, and tragically, chumps like this are far more interested in ownership than they are in sex.
Once you've got up off your knees, let go of the fucking possessiveness. She doesn't belong to you and that's a good thing. Fuck her just the way you like it, and if she likes it, she'll keep coming back for more. That's really all there is to it and you should know that's a great place to be.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

FILLMORE DISCOS 67 - '70s RARITIES 6

You'll be coming with me to hell for watching this sleazy trash...

Coming Apart, 1969 (*****)
from behind the couch of a New York apartment, we get to see a psychiatrist's hidden camera footage of himself uncomfortably liaising with various women - and while that's about the extent of it, this is as compelling and original a study of mental breakdown as you'll ever see

Groupies, 1970 (***)
fly-on-the-wall documentary about female and male groupies from the late 60s rock music scene - whilst the extended live music footage is as dire as it is possible to get, the rest gives you many fascinating glimpses into a world that already seems ancient; it also exposes the complicity of the groupies and the musicians in perpetuating myths of their sexual degeneracy, the truth is far more prosaic: all-night drink, drugs, and talkin' bullshit; one particularly hilarious scene features some dreadful English band in their hotel room giggling uncomfortably with some groupies about not wanting to have plastercasts made of their, quite obviously, undersized weenies

Shogun's Sadism, 1976 (**)
not nearly as hardcore as others would have you believe, much of the torture element loses its potential for impact due to a cartoonish approach to the characters and historical themes of the movie's two featured stories

Van Nuys Blvd., 1979 (****)
classic Crown International drive-in flick featuring the adventures of an engaging bunch of teens cruising Van Nuys in search of sex and thrills with whoever comes along; as with the best examples of this genre, VNB is unencumbered with much plot thus allowing it the time and space for indulging in extended bouts of unadulterated fun; awesome vintage disco soundtrack too

The Beast In Heat, 1977 (***)
of the four or five films which appear to have been randomly chopped up to make La Bestia In Calore, the one that features the breathtakingly beautiful Macha Magall as the sadistic SS officer is Italo-exploitation heaven as victims are shoved into a cage inhabited by an ogre fed on industrial strength aphrodisiacs

The Gestapo's Last Orgy, 1977 (*****)
easily the best of 70s nazisploitation with qualities surely overlooked for belonging to such a reviled genre, Last Orgy is like a sleazy fusion of Godard, Fellini, and even Peter Greenaway - relentlessly explicit yet curiously arty, it manages to pack an incredible amount of content and ideas into its 90-odd minutes, comfortably outdoing Pasolini's more celebrated Salò for authentic Sadean content - as a side note, blonde bombshell lead Daniela Poggi would go on from here to have a long illustrious career in Italian cinema

FILLMORE DISCOS 66 - 80s RARITIES 5
FILLMORE DISCOS 65
FILLMORE DISCOS 64

Monday, May 23, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

Uncle William: back. Mood: generous.

FAMILY DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE
(The Sun 20/05/11)
I am a Swedish boy aged 21 and my greatest dream has always been to live in the UK.
I spent some weeks in Blackpool last summer and really understand this is the place for me. The problem came when I told my family.
My mother was absolutely crushed and started crying. Lots of family friends say bad stuff about England to try to make me stay but all it does is bring me down. Living in Sweden just makes me depressed because this doesn't feel like home.
I've tried to talk about it again calmly with my mm but she just gets angry and says, "Go to England then, but you'll be back." I don't know why she acts like this. She's the kindest person I know normally. I'm not saying she should like it but at least try to support me a bit. It's really starting to affect how I feel about her.


Uncle William says:
What if your mum is indeed the kindest person you know? By all means go and test out living your dream in Blackpool while at the same time being man enough to acknowledge to her that you could be wrong and that she and your family and friends may actually be right in identifying England as a comparative shithole.

SHE PRETENDS TO BE GAGA IN BED
(Daily Star 19/05/11)
My girl’s obsession with celebrities is killing our relationship. It drives me mad that she talks about people such as Cheryl, Dannii and Tulisa as if she knows them personally.
We can be sitting in a restaurant or bar and she’ll suddenly start telling me about Cheryl’s brother or Dannii’s relationship with Kylie, like they’re the people next door. She goes into detailed and long explanations of their complicated lives and feuds and it genuinely does my head in.
She gets sex obsessions, too, and at the moment it’s Lady GaGa. The other night I was round at her flat. Suddenly, she burst into the bedroom wearing the most bizarre underwear, high heels and make up you’ve ever seen.
Then she announced in a silly, phoney American accent that she was GaGa and demanded I make love to her as the crazy singer. She wanted to stay in character all night and said we’d have some fun. It was surreal and I can’t say that I enjoyed it much.
She kept strutting around and bursting into song. I worry her worship of famous people has made her lose her own identity and personality. She spends hours researching what all of these people think about fashion, politics and diet – and then she thinks what they think.
She takes their every word as the gospel truth. It’s the same with soap stars. She talks about storylines and characters as if they are real.
Once, she told me all about this girl who had her baby stolen. It was heartbreaking stuff and I genuinely thought that she was talking about a girl at her work. It was only later that it finally dawned on me that my lass was obsessing about a storyline she’d seen in EastEnders. I tell her that she’s incapable of separating fact from fiction. She laughs but it’s true.
I’m dating a woman who takes more notice of the characters on TV and on the internet than real people and real events and the truth is  I’m finding it very hard to cope with.


Uncle William says:
You know what? I say you're a pathetic boring dreary whiny little shit.
Your girlfriend sounds awesome: she's playful, sexy, crazy, she's got a hot imagination, she's passionate and vibrant and excited about her life and her interests. You, on the other hand, should be ashamed about having to come to terms with this lovely treasure wanting to give herself to someone so completely and utterly, and depressingly, unappreciative and undeserving.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5

Monday, May 16, 2011

SHORT BREATHS 13

Afro Noise I
the response has been really fantastic, thanks so much to everyone who's already pre-ordered the CD (sadly, the free art cards are now finished but, since it's been such a success, already thinking of getting some new designs in); the first shipments have already started going out this week so they should start arriving with you very soon - was also (I confess) thrilled to see that The Wire had given it such a lovely full-page review in this month's issue, written by Nina Power

Cut Hands live
there's a Cut Hands show at the Glasgow School Of Art on 3rd June - it's free entry; I'll post more details as soon as I get them

Urbanomic
the publishers of the wonderful Collapse journal are doing a summer auction of various unmissably exciting stuff

Uncle William
afraid to say that there's no Uncle William this week; he is willing to accept sole responsibility for the inevitable disappointing dip in the number of hits taken at the blog due to his absence

SHORT BREATHS 12
SHORT BREATHS 11
SHORT BREATHS 10

Friday, May 13, 2011

FILLMORE DISCOS 66 - '80s RARITIES 5

Tenement, 1985 (****)
a nasty South Bronx gang terrorise the residents of a run-down tenement building; there were quite a few of these urban warfare exploitation pictures in the 80s, most of which seem pretty goofy now - however, this lesser-known film despite its low budget stands up amazingly well with its surprisingly grim and tight direction by Roberta Findlay, though it is let down by the occasional intrusion of some truly awful freak-out rock

Emanuelle: Queen Of Sados, 1980 (**)
there are dozens of these Emanuelle films and by shrewdly noting the single 'm' you know you're opting for a knock-off italo-sleaze jamboree bag where anything, good but mostly bad, is possible - this time we're off to Cyprus, and were it not for Mario's epic ineptitude as the 'stud', this would be good; as it is, there's tons of mindless sex and nudity in and around the beach and orange groves, including the participation of Emanuelle's startlingly young daughter

Mother's Day, 1980 (****)
the madcap story might not amount to much but when the hyper-sleazy direction is as imaginative and energetic as it is here, you just don't care; easy to see why this movie, obscure in its day, is now so revered and inspirational for directors such as Eli Roth and Rob Zombie; looking forward to seeing the remake

Hide And Go Shriek, 1988 (*)
a bunch of 'teens' (read 28-year-olds) go for a sleepover in a big furniture store where there's inevitably a maniac on the loose; unfortunately, while that may sound tempting, this is a horror film with porn quality acting without the porn or the horror

FILLMORE DISCOS 65
FILLMORE DISCOS 64
FILLMORE DISCOS 63 - '80s RARITIES 4

Sunday, May 08, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7

Yes, your Uncle William is in a Very Bad Mood.

SUBMISSIVE FANTASIES TURN ME ON
(The Guardian 05/05/11)
I'm a 29-year-old girl who has always been turned on by submissive fantasies – such as being raped, tortured, tied up etc. I know these are common female fantasies, but my problem is I can't have an orgasm during normal sex. I can't even get turned on unless I think about submissive situations. My partner wouldn't understand if I told him what I really crave. Sometimes I think I should just give up on normal relationships and find a partner who'll be my "master" as opposed to a kind, loving, normal guy who I can enjoy all other aspects of my life with.


Uncle William says:
Why can't it be both? What the fuck is a 'normal' relationship or a 'normal' guy anyway? If sexual politics and social pressures aren't getting in the way of a woman's (or man's, for that matter) sexual fulfilment, then it's this attitude of settling for a dreary someone that happens to you rather than discovering a man you really want. To surrender to, a man who really wants you, a man that will make you feel horny when he's there and even more when he's not there.

SPENDING HABIT WRECKS MY LIFE
(Daily Star 04/05/11)
I have swapped one addiction for another. Overeating used to be my thing and now it’s overspending. I owe £12,000 and I’m going out of my mind. I’ve no way of paying this back and am too frightened and ashamed to turn to my family for help.
This time two years ago I was absolutely enormous. I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I comfort ate instead. I had chocolate bars and pop for breakfast, two takeaway pizzas for lunch and burgers, chips and cider for tea. In between I’d snack on cakes, crisps and biscuits.
One boring Sunday afternoon, I went on an all-out binge. I ate so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. An ambulance was called, only the paramedics couldn’t get me down the stairs. My nephew had to ask our neighbours to lend a hand. It was so humiliating.
Two weeks later I begged my dad to pay for a gastric band operation. He wasn’t happy, but withdrew his life savings. I had the op and started to lose weight straight away.
I quickly ditched my hideous old tents and ordered trendy new clothes, slim shoes and make-up. I treated myself to fab jewellery, hair straighteners and tanning products.
Then I met a gorgeous guy through a chat room. He invited me to spend the weekend with him in Blackpool, so I went crazy ordering new luggage, more clothes and stuff for him.
We had a passionate sex-fuelled weekend, but when we went to check out, he discovered that his wallet had been stolen.
I paid the bill and lent him £50 to get home. That was the last I ever saw of him.
Since then I’ve been spending to cheer myself up. It’s become a compulsion with me. I just can’t stop.
Going back to my dad isn’t an option, because I had his cash for my operation. I’m scared. I just don’t see any way out of this mess. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop like normal people?


Uncle William says:
I'm not buying into your compulsion racket, it's time for you to own up to the fact that you've been a greedy selfish cunt. Write that down a few times. Once you've done that with enough contrition and honesty, you can phone your dad and tell him you love him and that you're sorry. And then, starting today, the credit card companies can go fuck themselves because you're going to exclusively dedicate yourself to paying your dad back what you owe him for his life savings.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4

Saturday, May 07, 2011

ANTICLASTIC 9













232 shopping days to Christmas.

ANTICLASTIC 8
ANTICLASTIC 7
ANTICLASTIC 6

ACQUISITIONS 13

reading
I Am Immortal And Alive - Gil J Wolman 
Two Of A Kind - Darcy O'Brien
Good Sex Illustrated - Tony Duvert
Split Image: The Life Of Anthony Perkins - Charles Winecoff
La Anarquía Del Silencio - John Cage

listening
The Great Masturbator - Vagina Dentata Organ (CD)
Music For The Blind - Vagina Dentata Organ (CD)
Mayerling - Clock On 5 (12" EP)
Manantiales Del Canto: Argentina En Cerros y Llanos - Various Artists (CD)

viewing
Beautiful Liverpool (VBS documentary)
Groupies (1970 documentary)
Coming Apart DVD

ACQUISITIONS 12
ACQUISITIONS 11
ACQUISITIONS 10

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

GALLERY WEEKEND BERLIN











The dinner and party at the Postbahnhof am Gleisdreieck on Saturday night was a huge 1,000-strong invited gathering of all the featured artists and participants of the annual Gallery Weekend Berlin. It was a bit like the royal wedding but with more sartorially elegant guests, and no dodgy clergymen or war criminals present. And best of all, DJ Benetti, as the event's official DJ, got to bring his unique Italo disco and übergay hi-nrg mixage to the proceedings in what turned out to be a marathon 6-hour non-stop set accompanied by a special laser light show. Later in the evening, despite the strict security, Gilbert & George did manage to gatecrash their way in to join the fun. Much to the organisers' delight.

Monday, May 02, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6

Yet another avuncular intervention in the lives of others that, whilst being gleefully, nay, openly gratuitous, is probably best kept secret from those at whom it seems aimed.

NO MORE MR NICE GUY
(The Sun 02/05/11)
I'm the stereotypical Mr Nice Guy, yet I get ignored by girls in favour of my less "decent" mates. It makes me bitter and angry.
I'm 17 and all my mates say I'm the nice, kind, funny and caring one in the group, yet I always end up in the doomed "friend" zone.
I met a girl last year and fell in love for the first time. We dated for just a month before she decided we were better off as just friends. I then sat back and watched her having relationships with other guys - it killed me.
Another girl I like describes me as "perfect boyfriend material" but she won't go out with me because we're such good friends. I get constant rejection. I'm the only guy in our group who is still a virgin and that puts a lot of pressure on me to find that someone special.
I've been thinking I should stop being "nice" and forget caring about girls. I've never been a one-night stand guy but, if I'm not meant for serious relationships, maybe I'm better off joining my mates in loving and leaving girls.
I know I'm sounding negative but I'm running out of hope and patience.


Uncle William says:
Ah, the dreaded 'nice guy' syndrome!
When women describe a guy as 'nice', it surely does not have the same meaning as a nice cake, or a nice house, or a nice hotel. Or a nice fuck, for that matter.
Therefore, for this to make sense, let's switch 'nice' for 'murky'.
A woman's instinctive defence shield rightly knows that all your male niceness behaviour, read 'murk', is typically a deceptive front for various kinds of unknown selfish intent, it feels uncomfortable in the sexual realm and is a big turn-off.
Come on, be honest with us, your so-called caring self extends only to girls you fancy. You know you're not 'there' to listen to me tell you all about my problems, or offering to walk some other dude home after class. You're not into complimenting wheelchair-bound grannies on their skirts, hair, or shoes, least of all their colostomy bags. You're not buying gifts for small children. That's right, I know you want to get laid, and there's nothing wrong with that, girls want to get laid too but not with murky guys.
Now don't be like your mates and fall for that schoolboy binary response that you therefore need to become an asshole. Stay good-mannered, stay cool and, above all, be honest and direct. Those girls are aching to get their filthy sex-starved paws on the yummy new you.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3

ANTICLASTIC 8











237 shopping days to Christmas.

ANTICLASTIC 7
ANTICLASTIC 6
ANTICLASTIC 5

Friday, April 29, 2011

FILLMORE DISCOS 65

Wow, can't believe Vice even had translated the first giallo reviews I did into French. Anyway, never mind that, here's a mixed bag of more recent releases.

Bedevilled (*****)
another modern Korean masterpiece; the beautiful Hae-won is forced to take a vacation on a remote island after troubles at her workplace and reunites with a childhood friend - the drama that unfolds is as unflinchingly violent and shocking as it is poetic and beautiful, whilst the film's ending is extraordinarily moving in its quiet nuanced symbolism; highly recommended

The Jail The Women's Hell (**)
even though the golden era for Italian sleaze cinema has, sadly, long since passed, it hasn't stopped Bruno Mattei, and you can't help admiring him for that; unfortunately, TJTWH never really transcends its cheap shot-on-video values despite an inordinate amount of women's prison fetishism, game participation by the Filipino girls used as extras, and even some nostalgic Deodatoesque elements of the cannibal genre thrown into the mix towards the end

Re-Cut (**)
you can't beat shaky-cam horror at its best, even the not-so-good ones are watchable, something I guess that has a lot to do with the self-imposed obstructions placed upon the format by definition (as with the Dogma rules, for example) - Re-Cut gets so much right for the first tense hour, as three film-makers go to investigate a macabre killing in Wisconsin, but when a simple resolution to the proceedings would suffice, everything gets very silly in an orgy of implausibility; interestingly, you can tell the that the movie's going to implode when a musical score is sneakily incorporated as the protagonists are rooting around an abandoned house

The Super (*)
dreadful worthless attempt at making old school grindhouse with a group of porn quality actors as totally unbelievable tenants of a New York tenement; also, if you're going down the retro path then at least use original film stock, the digital application of those grainy filters should be outlawed

Burlesque (*)
ever seen one of those SMS 'competitions' along the lines of: what is the capital of France a) Tokyo b) London or c) ***PARIS***? well, Burlesque is as insulting in the same way; the only reason for checking it out was for its frequently quoted comparisons to the incomparably brilliant Showgirls - and well, no, Showgirls, it most definitely ain't, and Aguilera and Cher are laughingly miscast as the female leads; by the way, still ranting, I call bullshit on burlesque - a practice for women (and men) who want to be ogled on a stage but are too self-conscious or ugly to strip

FILLMORE DISCOS 64
FILLMORE DISCOS 63 - '80s RARITIES 4
FILLMORE DISCOS 62 - '80s RARITIES 3

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

HK47 9












Cats, in my experience, usually hate having clothes and accoutrements foisted on them, and yet this handsome puss seems remarkably serene in this, quite frankly, ludicrous get-up.

HK47 8
HK47 7
HK47 6

Monday, April 25, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5

SHE LIED FOR MONTHS AFTER SECRET ROMPS IN OUR BED
(News Of The World, 25/4/11)
I've just discovered a load of old photos and letters proving that my girlfriend had secret sex with her lover in our bed. I'm gutted.
I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 24. Everything was fine at first but six months into the relationship she wanted us to split up. She started seeing another guy but ended it with him after a few months and we got back together.
We've been happy since and living together for two years, but we recently moved house and I found all these photos and letters while clearing out our bedroom. They proved that she was seeing this guy throughout the first six months we were together and having a full-on sexual relationship with him. She used her phone to text him under her best friend's name so I wouldn't find out. She used to sneak to his to see him. She invited him to all her family parties and even invited him to a ball. She had sex with him on so many occasions, often in the same bed we slept in. She'd kiss me goodbye, telling me she loves me and then catch a train to see him.
She took him to her brother's party even though it was on the same night I crashed my car. Even this didn't wake her up from her deceit. She's lied endlessly to cover this up but she can't deny it now. I'm heartbroken, humiliated and disgusted, but can't help loving her.
She says she is deeply in love with me and that over the last two years she has been open and honest with me apart from this. But I don't know if I can carry on knowing what I know. 

Am I a mug to stay with her?

Uncle William says:
Yes.

FLIRT AT WORK IS DRIVING ME WILD
(Daily Star 22.4.11)
There's a girl at work who I really fancy but I just don’t know where I stand with her.
She’s been working there a few months and we have been smiling and chatting to each other from day one. My workmates tell me that when I’m not in, she’s always talking about me. Recently I have been making excuses to go into her department and I cannot resist flirting with her.
Two weeks ago she gave me a cuddle and a peck on my cheek. I said that I’d give her a lift home after work and we chatted and got on really well. And last week I was getting a drink from the machine and she came over and gave me another cuddle. I said I’d take her home again and while I was driving, I suggested we went for a drink. She said she couldn’t that night as she was busy but she added: “I won’t say never.”
I’ve now found out from another girl in her department that she actually has a boyfriend, even though she’s never mentioned him to me. I’ve heard that they have been together for over a year and are going on holiday together this summer. So now I’m really very confused.
Our firm is closed for a few days over Easter so I won’t be able to ask her about her boyfriend. But I just don’t understand why she’s not been truthful. I don’t know where I stand and I think she’s just playing games with me.


Uncle William says:
First of all, her boyfriend is her problem and not yours.
But seriously, never mind that - it must drive women absolutely insane to hear guys come out with ' I don't know where I stand with her', 'I was looking for the right signal', and suchlike.
These are the very words of the revolving door practitioner, the gawping needy horn dog, the impotent circling bowfin, the backsliding doggie-dinner-bowl dime-a-dozen chump. Each and every one so desperate to get his very own chance to impress her, any her, with his small-talk prospectus of bullshit achievements, possessions, experiences.
It's a fatal human behavioural flaw that allows us to believe that if we play the numbers game of trying the same thing over and over, eventually we'll succeed. Fuck that shit, it doesn't work, it will never work. I had to learn that and so can you.
If you like someone enough, you just take them. You're courteous, relaxed, and fun to be with, right? Good. But above all, remember that word, take. You're going to find out if she's woman enough for you. You take the initiative, you take her by the hand, you take her some place, you take her in your arms, you take her sexually. You take her on an adventure.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 2

PUFFERS 3

What price a single letter. The 'christianos' reference in a passage from the earliest extant version of Tacitus' Annals has for so long, for believers, served as a singularly vital piece of 'proof' for a historical Jesus that can be invoked and relied upon. It's cited everywhere, by most academic publications, even ones you'd think should know better.

Of course, the Bible and related history books over the ages are so full of interpolations and deletions and forgeries and manipulations and alterations that, without discoveries such as the Dead Sea Scrolls or other original papyrological documents, it's extremely challenging to attempt to unravel who wrote what and when with any degree of scientific certitude. In fact Tacitus' 'torched Christians' passage may be entirely fake, his later one-sentence background reference to 'Christus' most probably is an interpolation, based on contextual and inexplicably erroneous factual elements contained therein. What you can be sure about is the ruthless intent to perpetuate beliefs in these fables over the centuries leading to today and beyond. The intent to make believe mythology as real history as a means of exercising power and influence.

In 2009, Erik Zara made a fascinating reinvestigation of the Tacitus reference where you can actually see exactly how the original  'chrestianos' (= the good) was worked over and by whom. Pious forgery at work.

PUFFERS 2
PUFFERS

Thursday, April 21, 2011

SHORT BREATHS 12

Uncle William
oops, this Uncle William business is getting a bit out of hand - the blog had about four times the usual number of daily visitors last Tuesday and there have already been several, seemingly genuine and sincere, emails from all over the place soliciting help

Cut Hands
preorders for the 23/5/11 official release date are now available from Susan Lawly, 2x special exclusive Cut Hands art postcards with each copy while stocks last - read more

Disco Caligula 4
in anticipation of his set at this year's Gallery Event Berlin a week on Saturday, DJ Benetti has just unchained (for those of us thus inclined) his new fourth Disco Caligula mix: a capricious new odyssey within the magical paradise of Rimini discotheques circa '83

SHORT BREATHS 11
SHORT BREATHS 10
SHORT BREATHS 9

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Monday, April 18, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4

LUST FOR POWER
(Daily Star Sunday, 16/4/11)
I’m only turned on by powerful men. It doesn’t matter how old, big-headed and ugly they are – if they wield authority then I’m hooked. I’m not interested in pretty boys or the geeks with “nice personalities” my friends are always trying to set me up with. I like a man with balls of steel and an utterly ruthless streak.
At the moment I’m sleeping with the head of our security division at work. He’s twice my age, overweight and vile but I just can’t resist him. No one else in our building can stand him and they call him The Rottweiler.
But I only have to catch sight of him storming down the office and I’m so turned on. We meet up for sex twice a week at a hotel in town. Our love-making is hard-core, passionate and strong. I get him to do impressions of himself shouting at my colleagues and it drives me wild. But the moment I’m alone again, I feel like trash.
My “tough guy” lovers are always married or in long-term relationships  – and they certainly aren’t interested in anything significant with me. Plus they’re not very nice men.
I’ve quickly learned you don’t get to the top of your game by being a pushover. I’ve been hurt and regularly get tossed aside by my power-crazed men once my usefulness is over. A lover at an old job once got me sacked because he was falling in love with me and didn’t need the distraction. I was quietly paid off and told not to talk about it.
Now I spend my holidays and birthdays alone as my lovers are tied up with work or family. My best friend keeps asking me why I make life so complicated for myself but I can’t help only being attracted to bastards.


Uncle William says:
Oh, give us a break, the overweight head of your 'security division' a powerful man? More total wanker than tough guy tyrant.
Despite their ostensibly being exceptionally conversant and fluent in the idiom of relationship issues, and despite conventional wisdom, women are betrayed by their cunts at least as easily as men are led by their cocks. Betrayed because the qualities that trigger to get you so helplessly wet now are those that later in that man, perversely, are going to seem so unappealing: insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy, pettiness, vanity.
While I understand that attraction is not a choice but something that happens, I'm not letting you off that easily while you're running this loneliness racket.
The problem is you. You're not very nice, are you? Even these losers you're shagging would want to stick around and spend time with you if you were likeable enough. Quit this fucking delusion, get yourself an honest personality makeover. That's when things will begin to change.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 2
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM

Saturday, April 16, 2011

CROSSBONES 11

Note the barely seething tone of HM Forces' official website's account of how our guardians of the high seas were compelled to hand the seventeen Somali pirates various freebies before escorting them safely back to shore. The bedevilled detail being 'in one case even a nicotine patch'.

As they stepped off the warship, Commander Wilkinson told the head of the pirate gang: ‘If you are a leader, go back and lead for good. If you are going to carry on in this trade, expect to find me and my colleagues waiting for you.And If I see you again, it’s not going to go well.’ 

Wilkinson's stern reprimand, undoubtedly delivered in a laughably cut-glass public school accent, isn't likely to give our delightfully badass picaroons many sleepless nights. However, I suspect the irony of this prime example of sad lonely posturing ex-imperialists thousands of miles from home will not go unappreciated.

CROSSBONES 10
CROSSBONES 9
CROSSBONES 8

BANG THE BORE

The interview I did recently with Bang The Bore has just been posted.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

AGE OF AQUARIUS 8

It probably began the time that Jehovah's Witness started banging on my door attempting to get out. "How does this thing open? You're wasting my time!" Hey, hang on a minute, I'm wasting your time? Didn't you, unbehested, come to my house? Yet in a way, of course he was right, half an hour away as he was from becoming a born-again chimp.

Because problem now is Jesus Inc. must have put me on some kind of photographic hitlist register because, despite best intents, they no longer make street approaches. Maintaining friendly eye contact, smiling, slowing down to their pace, looking vaguely troubled; I've tried it all and none of it works to gain their glossy-eyed evangelising attention. Bugger.

Unlike Princes Street's red plastic anorak'd UNICEF brigade. Yes, they whose whiny soliciting only serves to fuel my intent to run off with their donations bucket in order to, like some modern-day anti-Robin Hood, redistribute it to far more deserving grown-ups.

I've now learnt the easiest and best way to deal with anyone who brings Christianity up in any kind of positive way in conversation is to treat them as one would when dealing with the dangerously mentally retarded: nod courteously whilst looking for the quickest exit strategy.

That good sense aside however, it is undeniably tempting to want to deploy some of the heavy ammo supplied from the pages of your shiny new copy of Steve Wells' highly entertaining Drunk With Blood: God's Killings In The Bible. Below are some examples that you may have forgotten about from Sunday School.

- God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of Elisha's bald head.
Can Oliver Stone please make this into a film?

- God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king, and then sent Jehu to kill all of Ahab's family and friends who had ever pissed against a wall.
OK, you lot, own up, who's pissed against a wall? You know I'm going to find out.

- God smote Philistines with haemorrhoids in their secret parts.
Bringing new meaninig to mysterious ways. And smite, smote, smitten - I love that most underused verb.

- God killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest and burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill.
A prayer contest! I love this guy. And the cheek of the 102 that asked that old stormbringing bastard to come down from his hill to explain himself.

- God burned complainers to death, forced the survivors to eat quail until it literally came out their noses, sent fiery serpents to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water, and killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings.
Literally? Until it literally came out of their noses? Oh, come now, surely there must be some metaphor in the Bible.

AGE OF AQUARIUS 7
AGE OF AQUARIUS 6
AGE OF AQUARIUS 5

Monday, April 11, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3

Here's your third weekly Tuesday dollop of DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM!

HOT BABE'S NOW A FRUMPY FATTIE
(Daily Star, 10/4/11)
When I first started going out with my girlfriend three years ago she was gorgeous. All my mates were jealous and I was made up. She was slim and had lovely long blonde hair. She always dressed provocatively and our sex life was sizzling. We’d have sex all over the house and, frankly, anywhere else. 
But gradually she’s really changed. She’s let her hair grow out. It is now brown and cut short. She’s ditched her contact lenses and wears glasses, and she’s put on about three stone. I look at her and wonder where the girl I loved has gone. She’s like a totally different person. 
I’m not shallow and know it’s not all about looks, but her personality has changed too. Instead of the bubbly girl who was always laughing, she now criticises me for everything. She moans all the time, compares me unfavourably to her previous boyfriends and if we have sex once a week I’m lucky. 
She isn’t the girl I fell in love with any more. I’ve been trying to end our relationship but she won’t listen.

Uncle William says:
She won't listen? Or you won't tell her in so many words?
If men have one primal fear with women, it's that of doing things that will disappoint.
In fact, to such an extent, and luckily only few women exploit this, that her referring to a guy's actions with words to the effect of 'I'm disappointed in you' or 'you disappoint me' contains extremely powerful behaviourally manipulative potential. It will, as if by magic, turn a dangerous snarling animal into a subservient puppy dog.
Cut out the murky nice-guy bullshit, man up, tell her it's over. It's too late. She's been testing you all this time, and the horrible cuntish way she looks and acts now is because you've been consistently failing. 

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 2
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM

FILLMORE DISCOS 64

The Pom Pom Girls, 1976 (****)
Joseph Ruben, director of the classic subversive horror The Stepfather made this early gem, a prototype teen sex comedy filmed in an alluring quasi-documentary style, and one which has almost none of the self-conscious nostalgia and adult-imposed double standards of pervy antics versus uptight morality common to the genre in later years

Julie Darling, 1982 (****)
obscure creepy Canadian/German thriller full of delicious psychosexual tension as Julie uses her twisted teenage female imagination to plot the demise of her stepmother; quite possibly what many other girls in her place would at least contemplate

Fear, 1996 (****)
the bland title belies a taut high quality thriller as 16-year-old good girl Nicole falls for a charming psychopath on a night out with her friend; the film is full of finely observed details into the relationship between all the protagonists, in particular that of male insecurity and possessiveness

Return To Sleepaway Camp, 2006 (*****)
if only modern horror was even occasionally as remotely good as this unmissable direct sequel to 1983's Sleepaway Camp which, with exquisite respect, somehow manages to enhance the already genius original; another sequel is apparently on the way for later this year, canNOT wait

A Serbian Film, 2010 (*)
amateur try-hard shocker - look beyond the gratuitous visceral taboo-busting nature of the thrills and all you have is a Serb TV critic using his position to fulfil movie director fantasies; and that's not to mention all those gratingly ubiquitous MacBook Pro editing tropes, silly soundtrack, appalling acting, leaden script, all of which proves far more painful than anything suffered by the victims

FILLMORE DISCOS 63 - '80s RARITIES 4
FILLMORE DISCOS 62 - '80s RARITIES 3
FILLMORE DISCOS 61 - '80s RARITIES 2