Wednesday, December 21, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14

Dying embers of 2011 extended edition.

CAN'T COME, WON'T COME
(Cosmopolitan, 12/2011)
I can't orgasm during sex and I hate it when men insist on trying to make me. Sometimes I fake one to stop them. I still enjoy sex; I just don't feel the need to climax. Why can't men accept that?

Uncle William says:
Why can't you accept the fact that these men that you've chosen to have sex with can't accept that you can't orgasm? Oh, and by the way, men fake orgasms too.

I SUSPECT MY DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND IS GAY. WHAT DO I DO?
(The Guardian, 10/2011)
My daughter aged 19 is going out with a boy whom I suspect is gay. This is her first relationship, and I am worried for her. We have had lots of talks about him and her sexuality. How does a parent handle such a situation?

Uncle William says:
Your daughter is aged 19. She is going out with a boy. You think it's her first relationship. You do nothing.

REGRET OVER MY BATHROOM ROMP
(Just Jane, 22/12/2011)
I stupidly had wild sex with a girl at a Christmas party and now she won’t leave me alone.
It was a pretty wild party and most people were snogging and groping each other, so it’s not like it meant anything.

 Now she’s constantly texting me and phoning me and it’s driving me nuts.

 

So far I’ve managed to avoid her when I’ve been out but I know I’ve been lucky as she texts to tell me that she’s just missed me in the pub or club and could I just meet her.

 
Well, the answer is no.

 
The fact is that this girl made all the running and started dancing in front of me. Then she got close and started to kiss my neck.

What’s a guy to do?

 Pushing her off would have just been rude and when she started pulling me towards the bathroom who was I to say no?

 
Within seconds we had our clothes off and were having sex on the floor by the bath. 


Luckily I had a condom and after we had finished we got dressed and I suggested we leave separately. I told her to wait five minutes and went home.

 
I later heard that she’d been looking for me everywhere

. Now I can’t get rid of her.

 I promised her nothing and it was her who made the first move and dragged me to the bathroom.

 How can I get her off my back?

Uncle William says:
Men, and I hesitate to use the word 'man' in your case, can be such adolescent fools.
Don't you realise it's exactly your stupid asshole avoidance strategy that makes it mean something. You give somebody a nice piece of something and then whisk it away from them for no obvious reason, then they're going to come running after it, maybe obsessively.
How about you strap on a pair, phone her to meet up for coffee, and tell her face to face that you're not ready for a relationship?
How hard really is that?

And on that note, your Uncle William wishes an intensely happy and fruitful 2012 to everyone who reads this stuff.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11

5 comments:

_Black_Acrylic said...

An intensely happy new year to you too! Here's hoping we see more Uncle William in 2012.

Basilisk said...

Thanks for everything you've shared this year.
Best wishes for the coming year. I hope it brings further success.

(((o))) said...

Onkel William always makes my day. Thank You for all the wit and wisdom this year. And happy happy 2012 to You and Yours!

Kate MacDonald said...

So happy to see Uncle William in fine form and, may I just add for the gentleman with the toilet snog problem- at what point in this forced sexual encounter did you think it would be a bright idea to give this seductress your mobile number?

Miss Kerry said...

the non orgasmic women- well hello, at what point did you never realize that orgasms are pretty much the main fun of sex, and these men are actually caring enough to want you to experience one?
you would prefer someone who rolled o top, shot his load and fucked off maybe? i'm sure there are plenty of selfish bastards willing to do just so if you asked them nicely.
in the meantime, stop castrating men who like to think that sex is something of a mutual experience. your a frigid bitch. get over yourself.
as for the parents of the girl, um obviously your ignorant of the fact of BISEXUALS. they swing both ways, dearie and good fun it can be.
and isn't it some kind of parental to be all involved in your children's sex lives. ewww.
as for the guy with the stalker, next time just tell someone you want some hot, casual sex for fun, and not be such a precious little prick about it.
guys like you, fuck us up with your stupid mixed signal until we cant tell if we are coming or going ( literally.)
if people like you had had balls enough to be MEN, others wouldn't be fucked up so much that celibacy was preferable to trying to read someones frigging mind.