MY DIRTY RAT
(The Daily Star, 1/12/11)
Over the summer I got caught up in a stupid affair with a married bloke from my office.
I lost my head for the best part of ten weeks.
I drank too much, skipped work and really let myself down.
He and I visited a seedy hotel not far from our office where we had regular sex. I let him do all sorts of dirty things to me.
We used sex toys, especially bondage straps. He took photos and videos on his mobile phone.
One night, he paid for a hooker from the street below to come up and have a threesome with us.
She was a ballsy, matter-of-fact woman who clearly thought we were a couple of idiots with more money than sense. At the time, I thought we were being edgy and ironic.
I thought it was so clever and funny. But now I look back and cry. How could I have been so stupid?
The most humiliating part is that my "love" dumped me soon after I helped him clear his overdraft. He was paranoid about his wife finding out about his “extra- curricular” spending.
Now he’s with another girl from our office and I’m convinced he’s told her all about me.
They’re together all the time, giggling and flirting.
The other day my mate took me to the pizza place next to work for her birthday and they were in there.
I actually heard him snort with laughter as I arrived.
He whispered something to her and she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I fled in tears.
Everyone keeps telling me to ignore them. They say he’s a snake with a horrible reputation.
But I fell for him. At one point I even thought I loved him and asked him to leave his wife for me.
How does that make me look? And what does that say about my rubbish sense of judgment?
Uncle William says:
How does that make you look?! Your sense of judgment?!
The only thing it says about you is that you're no different to anyone else. You too suffer from that maddeningly incurable human disease of always having to be right and seen to be right. Fuck that shit.
I get that you think you made a mistake.
Well, so what? It's part of a process called learning.
Here specifically it was the priceless lesson that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that asshole. And you even had some fun while that happened in the form of some delightfully corrupt reprehensible sex in a seedy hotel room.
Take pride in making mistakes, celebrate being wrong. It's attractive and I like you all the more for it.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10