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Note the barely seething tone of HM Forces' official website's account of how our guardians of the high seas were compelled to hand the seventeen Somali pirates various freebies before escorting them safely back to shore. The bedevilled detail being 'in one case even a nicotine patch'.

As they stepped off the warship, Commander Wilkinson told the head of the pirate gang: ‘If you are a leader, go back and lead for good. If you are going to carry on in this trade, expect to find me and my colleagues waiting for you.And If I see you again, it’s not going to go well.’ 

Wilkinson's stern reprimand, undoubtedly delivered in a laughably cut-glass public school accent, isn't likely to give our delightfully badass picaroons many sleepless nights. However, I suspect the irony of this prime example of sad lonely posturing ex-imperialists thousands of miles from home will not go unappreciated.

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Despite its being by the BBC, this Somali pirate documentary is worth seeing.

You get Auntie's overbearingly earnest trademark voice-over and a patronising simplification of the issues. A well-spoken European-based Somali expat gets to go over, at no doubt enormous expense, to have a few minutes of pointless conversation with some locals. There is no real new footage to enjoy, and nothing isn't said that will surprise anyone (much like myself) with but a basic grasp of what's happening.

Yet well worth seeing because this modern-day piracy story is just so compelling. Whether they be the numpty English negotiator on the phone from London, the public schoolboy Navy officer twit, or the impotent European patrol ships, all the westerners only succeed in making the T-shirted pirates buzzing around in their puny skiffs seem all the more badass.

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Ever wondered what a vast amount of pirate loot looked like? Direct from the dusty backstreets of Somalia's main port. The comments are priceless. Also check out the other exciting pictures listed below.

- can we have our boat back, please?
- welcome to Pirate Beach
- breeze blocks
- brass telescope (I don't need no)

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DIETROLOGY 
The Anatomy Of A Response

I was wondering about what to write. Swithering between yet another rant against Helvetica Culture; against idiotic mixed capitalisation in song, movie and book titles; or else taking a deserved swipe at the bokeworthy new mustn't haves known as jeggings.

Or indeed another admiring update on the Somali pirates.

It's all a bit obsessive. As if it were enough to be merely obsessed. As if that were sufficient explanation, as if that's just how something is.

But when you stop and ask yourself the question what is it about the thing you obsess over that creates that special intense response, you have to search deep down for some kind of answer that isn't just a rewording of the obsession, or a glib legitimising I-think superstition. Not in order to justify or rationalise, not to be right or wrong. But to fulfil a curiosity about what lies behind: transparent concessions that are clearly in operation with this and other strong emotional responses.

Once again things are not what they seem.

obsession
obsession begins with the identification of a symbolic representation of an unconscious value we always held - once identified, the symbols start appearing everywhere because we're now actively looking for them; these values lie hidden behind the illusion of identity, which is why they're so difficult to express in words

disappointment
linguistically speaking, we become disappointed in or with an exernal someone or something, as if it were outside our control, and likewise we experience it as if we were passive agents; in fact, disappointment can only be something we've personally planned for through a set of expectations that fail to be fulfilled

impulsiveness
what appears to be impulsive (like a purchase, or a kiss, or saying the wrong thing, or a punch) is in fact illusory: it is planned unconsciously by us well in advance of its happening - its apparent suddenness is the moment of entering an unprepared conscious awareness

attraction
in language we refer to being attracted towards someone or something, as if it were an active process - however, unlike disappointment, attraction is something that happens to us, passively; it's a process in which we have no choice despite the illusion that we are somehow active participants

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In case you were wondering, I'm still sticking up for the pirates. And before you jump to conclusions, it's well worth reading this alternative angle by Johann Hari on the story (thanks to Yin for the link).

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The heroic Somali pirates have captured a UK vessel! Though the definition of UK here is, to put it very mildly, confusing: the ship is Italian-operated, flies a Panamanian flag, and has a mixed nationality crew. According to the article, the pirates were also recently seen approaching with intent a 1,000-strong passenger vessel on a round-the-world cruise - you can't fail to admire the extent of these guys' ambitions and unstoppable confidence.

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Those lovable Somali pirates, having counted and divvied up their $3.2m in cash, will probably be making sure they don't do anything silly like drowning this time. There are extra layers of irony. A watching US Navy, whilst allowing them to make off with the loot, is ensuring the pirates don't snaffle any of the military hardware on board the Ukrainian arms ship, whose purported destination is Sudan! Try working that one out.

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The saga of those Somali pirates gets more surreal by the day. According to AP, one of the five who recently drowned has been found washed up on the beach with $153k stuffed down his pantaloons. Whatever you say about those roguish seafarin' hearties, the beachcombers there are reassuringly honest.

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Lo-tech is the new hi-tech. More incredible pictures of pirate action from the high seas off the lawless coasts of Somalia.

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While not exactly of the glamour of Pirates Of The Caribbean, there's still something rather old school romantic about those audacious rapscallions off the coast of Somalia who buzz around in their tiny speedboats tooled up with trusty rocket launchers on the look-out for bounty. That these guys could brazenly capture a giant oil tanker in this day and age is hard to believe. But there's something reassuring knowing it can be done. Have a look at the amazing gallery of photography by Veronique De Viguerie.