Yes, your Uncle William is in a Very Bad Mood.
SUBMISSIVE FANTASIES TURN ME ON
(The Guardian 05/05/11)
I'm a 29-year-old girl who has always been turned on by submissive fantasies – such as being raped, tortured, tied up etc. I know these are common female fantasies, but my problem is I can't have an orgasm during normal sex. I can't even get turned on unless I think about submissive situations. My partner wouldn't understand if I told him what I really crave. Sometimes I think I should just give up on normal relationships and find a partner who'll be my "master" as opposed to a kind, loving, normal guy who I can enjoy all other aspects of my life with.
Uncle William says:
Why can't it be both? What the fuck is a 'normal' relationship or a 'normal' guy anyway? If sexual politics and social pressures aren't getting in the way of a woman's (or man's, for that matter) sexual fulfilment, then it's this attitude of settling for a dreary someone that happens to you rather than discovering a man you really want. To surrender to, a man who really wants you, a man that will make you feel horny when he's there and even more when he's not there.
SPENDING HABIT WRECKS MY LIFE
(Daily Star 04/05/11)
I have swapped one addiction for another. Overeating used to be my thing and now it’s overspending. I owe £12,000 and I’m going out of my mind. I’ve no way of paying this back and am too frightened and ashamed to turn to my family for help.
This time two years ago I was absolutely enormous. I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I comfort ate instead. I had chocolate bars and pop for breakfast, two takeaway pizzas for lunch and burgers, chips and cider for tea. In between I’d snack on cakes, crisps and biscuits.
One boring Sunday afternoon, I went on an all-out binge. I ate so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. An ambulance was called, only the paramedics couldn’t get me down the stairs. My nephew had to ask our neighbours to lend a hand. It was so humiliating.
Two weeks later I begged my dad to pay for a gastric band operation. He wasn’t happy, but withdrew his life savings. I had the op and started to lose weight straight away.
I quickly ditched my hideous old tents and ordered trendy new clothes, slim shoes and make-up. I treated myself to fab jewellery, hair straighteners and tanning products.
Then I met a gorgeous guy through a chat room. He invited me to spend the weekend with him in Blackpool, so I went crazy ordering new luggage, more clothes and stuff for him.
We had a passionate sex-fuelled weekend, but when we went to check out, he discovered that his wallet had been stolen.
I paid the bill and lent him £50 to get home. That was the last I ever saw of him.
Since then I’ve been spending to cheer myself up. It’s become a compulsion with me. I just can’t stop.
Going back to my dad isn’t an option, because I had his cash for my operation. I’m scared. I just don’t see any way out of this mess. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop like normal people?
Uncle William says:
I'm not buying into your compulsion racket, it's time for you to own up to the fact that you've been a greedy selfish cunt. Write that down a few times. Once you've done that with enough contrition and honesty, you can phone your dad and tell him you love him and that you're sorry. And then, starting today, the credit card companies can go fuck themselves because you're going to exclusively dedicate yourself to paying your dad back what you owe him for his life savings.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4