Sunday, May 08, 2011


Yes, your Uncle William is in a Very Bad Mood.

(The Guardian 05/05/11)
I'm a 29-year-old girl who has always been turned on by submissive fantasies – such as being raped, tortured, tied up etc. I know these are common female fantasies, but my problem is I can't have an orgasm during normal sex. I can't even get turned on unless I think about submissive situations. My partner wouldn't understand if I told him what I really crave. Sometimes I think I should just give up on normal relationships and find a partner who'll be my "master" as opposed to a kind, loving, normal guy who I can enjoy all other aspects of my life with.

Uncle William says:
Why can't it be both? What the fuck is a 'normal' relationship or a 'normal' guy anyway? If sexual politics and social pressures aren't getting in the way of a woman's (or man's, for that matter) sexual fulfilment, then it's this attitude of settling for a dreary someone that happens to you rather than discovering a man you really want. To surrender to, a man who really wants you, a man that will make you feel horny when he's there and even more when he's not there.

(Daily Star 04/05/11)
I have swapped one addiction for another. Overeating used to be my thing and now it’s overspending. I owe £12,000 and I’m going out of my mind. I’ve no way of paying this back and am too frightened and ashamed to turn to my family for help.
This time two years ago I was absolutely enormous. I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I comfort ate instead. I had chocolate bars and pop for breakfast, two takeaway pizzas for lunch and burgers, chips and cider for tea. In between I’d snack on cakes, crisps and biscuits.
One boring Sunday afternoon, I went on an all-out binge. I ate so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. An ambulance was called, only the paramedics couldn’t get me down the stairs. My nephew had to ask our neighbours to lend a hand. It was so humiliating.
Two weeks later I begged my dad to pay for a gastric band operation. He wasn’t happy, but withdrew his life savings. I had the op and started to lose weight straight away.
I quickly ditched my hideous old tents and ordered trendy new clothes, slim shoes and make-up. I treated myself to fab jewellery, hair straighteners and tanning products.
Then I met a gorgeous guy through a chat room. He invited me to spend the weekend with him in Blackpool, so I went crazy ordering new luggage, more clothes and stuff for him.
We had a passionate sex-fuelled weekend, but when we went to check out, he discovered that his wallet had been stolen.
I paid the bill and lent him £50 to get home. That was the last I ever saw of him.
Since then I’ve been spending to cheer myself up. It’s become a compulsion with me. I just can’t stop.
Going back to my dad isn’t an option, because I had his cash for my operation. I’m scared. I just don’t see any way out of this mess. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop like normal people?

Uncle William says:
I'm not buying into your compulsion racket, it's time for you to own up to the fact that you've been a greedy selfish cunt. Write that down a few times. Once you've done that with enough contrition and honesty, you can phone your dad and tell him you love him and that you're sorry. And then, starting today, the credit card companies can go fuck themselves because you're going to exclusively dedicate yourself to paying your dad back what you owe him for his life savings.



flora_mundi said...

I wonder if "Submissive" has considered the possibility that her "normal" man has fantasies he isn't telling her either?

William Bennett said...

@flora_mundi indeed!

Jack Sargeant said...

The whole Guardian problem page is utterly obsessed with 'normal' and 'pathological' - and if the advice isn't bad enough the comments (which often stretch for pages) are often absurd, recommending things such as separation if one partner has un-PC fantasies and decrying anything not 'normal' as 'perverse'. BTW there was a recent post on the Guardian regarding the idea that semen could be an anti-depressent, the comments and replies were astonishing.

FM - I agree that the 'normal' man may have unarticulated fantasies but in my guts I have the feeling from Submissive's letter that he'd probably repress them as un-PC.

Miss Kerry said...

Not to mention the selfishness typified in the first letter.
what about the poor partner? you going to just 'settle' for them, while all the time being subconsciously resentful, sexually un-fufilled and all because your a massive coward and full of self loathing, which is only self pity in disguise.
the second person is just vile.
self pity party. her poor father.
and honestly, the self ignorance which she indulges in! she met someone, and they used her.
but because she was physically attractive, she didn't deserve this.
maybe he left because your a shit? ever think that?
or terminally shallow.
or hes a complete prick, so what? get over it and find someone NICE. just PICK ONE, there ARE plenty out there. for fucks sake.
she needs a gastric band on her ego, more likely