Monday, May 23, 2011

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

Uncle William: back. Mood: generous.

FAMILY DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE
(The Sun 20/05/11)
I am a Swedish boy aged 21 and my greatest dream has always been to live in the UK.
I spent some weeks in Blackpool last summer and really understand this is the place for me. The problem came when I told my family.
My mother was absolutely crushed and started crying. Lots of family friends say bad stuff about England to try to make me stay but all it does is bring me down. Living in Sweden just makes me depressed because this doesn't feel like home.
I've tried to talk about it again calmly with my mm but she just gets angry and says, "Go to England then, but you'll be back." I don't know why she acts like this. She's the kindest person I know normally. I'm not saying she should like it but at least try to support me a bit. It's really starting to affect how I feel about her.


Uncle William says:
What if your mum is indeed the kindest person you know? By all means go and test out living your dream in Blackpool while at the same time being man enough to acknowledge to her that you could be wrong and that she and your family and friends may actually be right in identifying England as a comparative shithole.

SHE PRETENDS TO BE GAGA IN BED
(Daily Star 19/05/11)
My girl’s obsession with celebrities is killing our relationship. It drives me mad that she talks about people such as Cheryl, Dannii and Tulisa as if she knows them personally.
We can be sitting in a restaurant or bar and she’ll suddenly start telling me about Cheryl’s brother or Dannii’s relationship with Kylie, like they’re the people next door. She goes into detailed and long explanations of their complicated lives and feuds and it genuinely does my head in.
She gets sex obsessions, too, and at the moment it’s Lady GaGa. The other night I was round at her flat. Suddenly, she burst into the bedroom wearing the most bizarre underwear, high heels and make up you’ve ever seen.
Then she announced in a silly, phoney American accent that she was GaGa and demanded I make love to her as the crazy singer. She wanted to stay in character all night and said we’d have some fun. It was surreal and I can’t say that I enjoyed it much.
She kept strutting around and bursting into song. I worry her worship of famous people has made her lose her own identity and personality. She spends hours researching what all of these people think about fashion, politics and diet – and then she thinks what they think.
She takes their every word as the gospel truth. It’s the same with soap stars. She talks about storylines and characters as if they are real.
Once, she told me all about this girl who had her baby stolen. It was heartbreaking stuff and I genuinely thought that she was talking about a girl at her work. It was only later that it finally dawned on me that my lass was obsessing about a storyline she’d seen in EastEnders. I tell her that she’s incapable of separating fact from fiction. She laughs but it’s true.
I’m dating a woman who takes more notice of the characters on TV and on the internet than real people and real events and the truth is  I’m finding it very hard to cope with.


Uncle William says:
You know what? I say you're a pathetic boring dreary whiny little shit.
Your girlfriend sounds awesome: she's playful, sexy, crazy, she's got a hot imagination, she's passionate and vibrant and excited about her life and her interests. You, on the other hand, should be ashamed about having to come to terms with this lovely treasure wanting to give herself to someone so completely and utterly, and depressingly, unappreciative and undeserving.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5

2 comments:

23 Trublion 23 said...

I really think you can do it in a wonderful and remunerative way in a TV show !!

Miss Kerry said...

its good thing that guy never dated me.
he'd never be able to handle when i pulled out the stops on pretending to be GUYS, as well.
Im sure the Francis Bacon, Burroughs and Nivek Ogre obsessions would have send him to the rubber room!!