Tuesday, April 12, 2011


It probably began the time that Jehovah's Witness started banging on my door attempting to get out. "How does this thing open? You're wasting my time!" Hey, hang on a minute, I'm wasting your time? Didn't you, unbehested, come to my house? Yet in a way, of course he was right, half an hour away as he was from becoming a born-again chimp.

Because problem now is Jesus Inc. must have put me on some kind of photographic hitlist register because, despite best intents, they no longer make street approaches. Maintaining friendly eye contact, smiling, slowing down to their pace, looking vaguely troubled; I've tried it all and none of it works to gain their glossy-eyed evangelising attention. Bugger.

Unlike Princes Street's red plastic anorak'd UNICEF brigade. Yes, they whose whiny soliciting only serves to fuel my intent to run off with their donations bucket in order to, like some modern-day anti-Robin Hood, redistribute it to far more deserving grown-ups.

I've now learnt the easiest and best way to deal with anyone who brings Christianity up in any kind of positive way in conversation is to treat them as one would when dealing with the dangerously mentally retarded: nod courteously whilst looking for the quickest exit strategy.

That good sense aside however, it is undeniably tempting to want to deploy some of the heavy ammo supplied from the pages of your shiny new copy of Steve Wells' highly entertaining Drunk With Blood: God's Killings In The Bible. Below are some examples that you may have forgotten about from Sunday School.

- God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of Elisha's bald head.
Can Oliver Stone please make this into a film?

- God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king, and then sent Jehu to kill all of Ahab's family and friends who had ever pissed against a wall.
OK, you lot, own up, who's pissed against a wall? You know I'm going to find out.

- God smote Philistines with haemorrhoids in their secret parts.
Bringing new meaninig to mysterious ways. And smite, smote, smitten - I love that most underused verb.

- God killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest and burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill.
A prayer contest! I love this guy. And the cheek of the 102 that asked that old stormbringing bastard to come down from his hill to explain himself.

- God burned complainers to death, forced the survivors to eat quail until it literally came out their noses, sent fiery serpents to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water, and killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings.
Literally? Until it literally came out of their noses? Oh, come now, surely there must be some metaphor in the Bible.



Sypha said...

It's funny, for years now I've always wondered if maybe atheists have either exaggerated or taken out of context the Bible's violent bits. Having read a bit of the Old Testament this year, I can see that's not the case... it really is bat-shit crazy, to the extent that I pondered if the whole thing were intended as some kind of bizarre test of faith: as in, let's present the reader with some of the most insane and repulsive things we can think of and see if they still believe afterward. Parts of it are borderline torture porn.

At the risk of sounding like someone who harps on the positive merits of Christianity, I would like to say that at the very least there are some nice churches, though of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My favorite churches are the ones that no longer hold mass but are still open for public tours: that way I can appreciate the art and architecture in peace without the usual proselytizing and appeals for money.

Tomate DiseƱo said...

Smite - always brings a smile.

Phraser said...

gods a bully

Odile Lee said...

This reminds me of growing up. I had been a christian- by choice age 11-13.

And gradually found out, despite being a innocent girl, God thought just about everything about females was pretty wrong.
Yea, Jesus came to wipe away old Judaic tribal superstitions.
Jeez, I know chicks can be a real pain during their period but banishing? Burning anything she touched?
Kinda makes you wonder if some wild woman decided to go amok and brandishing bloody anointed hands, touch all and sundry JUST to FUCK with them!