UNCLE WILLIAM COLLECTION

Nothing new here; for pedantry's sake, the links for all sixteen episodes collated in the right order.

UNCLE WILLIAM 1
UNCLE WILLIAM 2
UNCLE WILLIAM 3
UNCLE WILLIAM 4
UNCLE WILLIAM 5
UNCLE WILLIAM 6
UNCLE WILLIAM 7
UNCLE WILLIAM 8
UNCLE WILLIAM 9
UNCLE WILLIAM 10
UNCLE WILLIAM 11
UNCLE WILLIAM 12
UNCLE WILLIAM 13
UNCLE WILLIAM 14
UNCLE WILLIAM 15
UNCLE WILLIAM 16

UNCLE WILLIAM 16

Cosmo special.

HE HATES ME  
(Cosmopolitan, 5/2011)
I'm 22 and I know this guy who hates me. He acts like he's better than me and calls me names like bitch, cow and tart, even though I've only ever had one boyfriend. What can I do to stop him? I know he doesn't fancy me as I've checked the situation out.

Uncle William says:
Grow up. Who cares whether you've had one, none, or 300 boyfriends?! Why would you give some random asshole that amount of power over how you feel about yourself?
Oh I see, because you're kind of interested in him yourself.
So what are you really afraid you might not let him stop doing?

I WANT TO BE CHASED 
(Cosmopolitan, 6/2011)
For once i'd like a girl to come up to me in a bar. Women say they want equality but then just sit looking pretty, waiting for us to do all the hard work. Come on, ladies, make the effort. Chase me!

Uncle William says:
Oh please. Uncle William doesn't sympathise for wimpy guys.

AM I READY FOR SEX? 
(Cosmopolitan, 2/2011)
My boyfriend and I are both 19. I’ve only been with him for three months but we’ve been discussing having sex. I’m pretty keen and so is he, although he does seem nervous. Should I go for it? Or is three months too short a time to tell if he’s right for me and if I can trust him?

Uncle William says:
It's far too long. You've been together for three months and you don't know if he's right or you can trust him: what exactly have you been doing all this time to call him your boyfriend?
Lose him.
Look, you're young, go have some fun, meet some guys, mess around, find out what you like. And leave that dating stuff for the someone you're already intimate with and still really like.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 15
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 15

THEY SAY SHE'S OUT TO TRAP ME
(Daily Star, 2/2012)
I adore my new lover. She's sexy, loud and full of fun. But I’m terrified that she’s trying to trap me.
I’ve told her over and over again that I’m not interested in having a second family. My sons from my first marriage are now 19 and 21 and I’m done with breeding. The two I have cost me a fortune. One has just dropped out of university and the other has never worked. I certainly don’t want any more. Yet my girl keeps going on about babies. She talks about how beautiful our child would be. She insists that I’d make a brilliant, mature dad.
When I confront her she says that she’s just joking or winding me up, but there’s no smoke without fire. It frustrates and annoys me that she simply doesn’t listen.
I’m a successful businessman. I earn a few bob and enjoy a good lifestyle. I love travelling and being free. The last thing I need is another screaming brat in my life.
My girl is several years younger than me and my oldest friends refer to her as The Piranha behind her back. They claim that she’s a ruthless gold-digger who is after my money and an easy life. My mate reckons I’m a fool for allowing myself to be flattered and sucked in.
He insists that she’s got an agenda and that I’m playing with fire every time I jump into bed with her. But I know she’s on the Pill because I’ve seen her taking it on the several occasions when we’ve been away for romantic weekends together. Plus she’s certainly not a gold-digger because she’s got a great, well-paid job working for her family.
I keep telling my friends to mind their own business but, privately, their warnings ring in my ears. Perhaps she is a vulture and I’m easy prey. Perhaps she does intend to trap me and take my money.

Uncle William says:
You keep pulling the same trick and here's how you do it: 'I adore my new lover. She's sexy, loud and full of fun. But I’m terrified that she’s trying to trap me.' 
Note the sneaky use of that one word: 'BUT'. There's no 'BUT' there, it's 'AND'. She's wonderful AND you're terrified.
Dump your pathetic fears and grow up.
See, the issue here isn't about her, it's about you and your dithering paranoia, it's about you and your suspicious attitudes, your cowardly gullibility, your mean-spirited distrust.
You don't want to have children? Then wear a fucking condom. 

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14

Dying embers of 2011 extended edition.

CAN'T COME, WON'T COME
(Cosmopolitan, 12/2011)
I can't orgasm during sex and I hate it when men insist on trying to make me. Sometimes I fake one to stop them. I still enjoy sex; I just don't feel the need to climax. Why can't men accept that?

Uncle William says:
Why can't you accept the fact that these men that you've chosen to have sex with can't accept that you can't orgasm? Oh, and by the way, men fake orgasms too.

I SUSPECT MY DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND IS GAY. WHAT DO I DO?
(The Guardian, 10/2011)
My daughter aged 19 is going out with a boy whom I suspect is gay. This is her first relationship, and I am worried for her. We have had lots of talks about him and her sexuality. How does a parent handle such a situation?

Uncle William says:
Your daughter is aged 19. She is going out with a boy. You think it's her first relationship. You do nothing.

REGRET OVER MY BATHROOM ROMP
(Just Jane, 22/12/2011)
I stupidly had wild sex with a girl at a Christmas party and now she won’t leave me alone.
It was a pretty wild party and most people were snogging and groping each other, so it’s not like it meant anything.

 Now she’s constantly texting me and phoning me and it’s driving me nuts.

 
So far I’ve managed to avoid her when I’ve been out but I know I’ve been lucky as she texts to tell me that she’s just missed me in the pub or club and could I just meet her.

 
Well, the answer is no.

 
The fact is that this girl made all the running and started dancing in front of me. Then she got close and started to kiss my neck.

What’s a guy to do?

 Pushing her off would have just been rude and when she started pulling me towards the bathroom who was I to say no?

 
Within seconds we had our clothes off and were having sex on the floor by the bath. 


Luckily I had a condom and after we had finished we got dressed and I suggested we leave separately. I told her to wait five minutes and went home.

 
I later heard that she’d been looking for me everywhere

. Now I can’t get rid of her.

 I promised her nothing and it was her who made the first move and dragged me to the bathroom.

 How can I get her off my back?

Uncle William says:
Men, and I hesitate to use the word 'man' in your case, can be such adolescent fools.
Don't you realise it's exactly your stupid asshole avoidance strategy that makes it mean something. You give somebody a nice piece of something and then whisk it away from them for no obvious reason, then they're going to come running after it, maybe obsessively.
How about you strap on a pair, phone her to meet up for coffee, and tell her face to face that you're not ready for a relationship?
How hard really is that?

And on that note, your Uncle William wishes an intensely happy and fruitful 2012 to everyone who reads this stuff.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13

MY DIRTY RAT
(The Daily Star, 1/12/11)
Over the summer I got caught up in a stupid affair with a married bloke from my office.
I lost my head for the best part of ten weeks.

I drank too much, skipped work and really let myself down.


He and I visited a seedy hotel not far from our office where we had regular sex. I let him do all sorts of dirty things to me.

 We used sex toys, especially bondage straps. He took photos and videos on his mobile phone.


One night, he paid for a hooker from the street below to come up and have a threesome with us.

 She was a ballsy, matter-of-fact woman who clearly thought we were a couple of idiots with more money than sense. At the time, I thought we were being edgy and ironic.

 I thought it was so clever and funny. But now I look back and cry. How could I have been so stupid?


The most humiliating part is that my "love" dumped me soon after I helped him clear his overdraft. He was paranoid about his wife finding out about his “extra- curricular” spending.

 Now he’s with another girl from our office and I’m convinced he’s told her all about me.

 They’re together all the time, giggling and flirting.


The other day my mate took me to the pizza place next to work for her birthday and they were in there. 

I actually heard him snort with laughter as I arrived.

 He whispered something to her and she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I fled in tears.


Everyone keeps telling me to ignore them. They say he’s a snake with a horrible reputation. 

But I fell for him. At one point I even thought I loved him and asked him to leave his wife for me.

 
How does that make me look? And what does that say about my rubbish sense of judgment?

Uncle William says:
How does that make you look?! Your sense of judgment?!
The only thing it says about you is that you're no different to anyone else. You too suffer from that maddeningly incurable human disease of always having to be right and seen to be right. Fuck that shit.
I get that you think you made a mistake.
Well, so what? It's part of a process called learning.
Here specifically it was the priceless lesson that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that asshole. And you even had some fun while that happened in the form of some delightfully corrupt reprehensible sex in a seedy hotel room.
Take pride in making mistakes, celebrate being wrong. It's attractive and I like you all the more for it.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12

I'M A SLAVE TO MY BRAT GIRL
 (The Daily Star, 9/11/11)
My girlfriend’s typical day goes something like this. Up at the crack of noon, beauty treatments, lunch and shopping until 4pm. Then it’s back home for Facebook, online browsing and catalogues until I stagger in at 6pm. She then lies back on the settee and orders me to cook her favourite foods while she watches soaps or chats to friends.

I’m left to clear up the flat, organise the washing and pay the bills, all on top of working a full day. To say she’s a diva is being nice. 
To say she’s a lazy, greedy, grasping brat is more the truth.
 I’m the only one earning any money, but it doesn’t cross her mind to pitch in or help out. 
All she does is take, take, take and demand more from me.
 She’s only just had her birthday and now she’s talking about what she wants for Christmas and the New Year (yep, I’m required to buy her a New Year present too). 
At the moment she’s also obsessed with where she wants to go on holiday next summer: Ibiza or somewhere more exotic. It’s all such a dilemma...

Come 10pm, just as I’m drying the last of the pots, she genuinely expects me to come over all romantic and whisk her off to bed for a night of passion. When I try to point out that I’m knackered and feel about as frisky as the dishcloth she goes into a major strop. She accuses me of neglecting her and not putting enough effort into our relationship. Ha. That’s a joke. I’m the only one putting any effort into anything.

Whenever I suggest her getting a job she says she won’t because she’s got a phobia about public transport and can’t get on a bus. If ever I beg her to help me around the flat she sniffs that it’s not her problem, because it’s not her flat, it’s mine.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

Uncle William says:
Every single time you give in to the demands, every time you tolerate her bratty behaviour, every time you beg for her help, she hates you just that little bit more.
To begin with, it was a test to see if you're man enough for her. And you failed. Not even a boy, you're a bitch wimp.
And now she's enjoying this free easy comfy ride perhaps occasionally recalling the dream of what being with a man would really be like. Being with that someone who'd call her on her bullshit, that someone who'd take her on his whims, that someone who'd ruthlessly expect her to be woman enough to have to deserve her rewards.
It's over, at least man up to tell her you're finished. This relationship is dead.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11

I FEEL SUCH A PLONKER FOR SLEEPING WITH WINE SHOP BOSS
(The Sun, 26/10/11)
I've done something so stupid and regrettable - I've had sex with the manager of the wine shop where I work.
I'm 24 and this guy I work with is 30. We run a big wine shop where wine-buffs come in and bulk-buy it by the case.
My boss is full of himself and married but it's no secret that he shags around. He's been known to go with customers as well as other girls who work with me, and I know he had sex with the girl who had my job before me. I was determined he wasn't going to get his paws on me as he treats girls so badly.
But then we went away for a weekend to a big wine-tasting exhibition. My boss was lording it up as usual and started sending me flirty texts, saying how lovely I was.
We went back to our hotel and he invited me up to his room and tried to seduce me, but I said to him, "I know what will happen; I'll sleep with you and you'll then you'll ignore me."
He denied it, saying he'd never treat me that way. I gave in – he won – and we ended up in the sack. He was a great lover and I thought we had something going.
We got back to work and it was a different story. Just as I'd predicted, he ignored me when I walked past his office shouting hello. He just gave me an evil look.
How can I work with him when he knows what is underneath my clothes and I know what he's got in his trousers?
I'm married and my husband treats me well, so why have I been such a fool?

Uncle William says:
Really, it's no mystery, we've seen it all before.
Uncle William knows what you've got underneath your clothes, we all know what you've got underneath your clothes, and believe me, you're no different to anyone else.
And furthermore, that pussy of yours is greedy and that's great. Enjoy it. Admit it. And quit trying to use it as a means for soul possession.
You got to go for a swanky weekend tasting fine wines, you got enjoyably and satisfyingly fucked, and best of all, your boss isn't making a creepy fuss about your indiscretions. What a gentleman. You're a lucky girl.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

UNCLE WILLIAM TO RETURN

Uncle William is coming back from his sabbatical...

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10

WHY IS MY MAN ALWAYS NAGGING ME TO LOOK SMARTER?
(Daily Mail 6/6/11)
For the past six months, I’ve been going out with a man who seems like a great match for me. We’re both divorced with teenagers and have plenty of shared interests and friends.
The sex would be good, too, if he wasn’t so critical about my personal grooming. He is always nagging me to wax, wear make-up or to get my hair done. I’ve always felt you should be happy in your own skin and that it’s a form of weakness to spend your time primping for men.
He says that if I really loved him I’d make a bit of effort to look glamorous in the bedroom, but I think he should love me as I am. How can we resolve this?

Uncle William says:
Personal grooming as a form of weakness, right.
Why not go a week without a shower until every pore of your flabby hairy excreting body is stinked up with putrid residue? Keep those repulsive leggings on at all times along with that baggy sports top. Oh, and the underwear'll be fine too, the scraggly ill-fitting beige bra and pants. Also, leave those matted locks just the way they are, nice and greasy and bedraggled.
Because then we'll find out if that bastard is capable of showing you the real love you feel you're so deserving of.
For fuck's sake, is this some kind of rutting contest or an intimate loving relationship?
Resolve it by dressing like an expensive slut. In the bedroom and everywhere else. You should know that Uncle William would, at the very least, demand that.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9

MY MARRIED BOSS LOVES ME BUT WON'T LEAVE HER HUSBAND
(The Sun 27/05/11)
I've been having fantastic sex with a work colleague for six months now. We can't resist one another but she's married.
I'm a guy of 25 and my lover is 34 and married. I work in a care-home and she is my supervisor. It was hard to settle in but she took me under her wing from the start and gave me the easier residents to look after, and so and I began to enjoy it.
The day-staff went out for a pizza one night and we sat together. We had a lot to drink and shared a taxi home as we live near to each other. She started to feel a bit queasy in the cab so when we got to my place, I suggested she came in to have some water and sober up, and I'd walk her home from there. We got to through the front door and she tripped up the stairs to my flat. I caught her arm and we had a fit of giggles, then she fell against me and I kissed her.
We went upstairs and I took her through to my bedroom and we had sex. She made me feel alive. She knew exactly what to do to make me feel good.
I took her home later and at work the next day, she said she'd enjoyed it so much. We've been going back to my flat for sex whenever we can. She's said she's in love with me and I know I love her. She's tried to end our relationship three times now but we can't resist each other. She told me last week that she loves her husband and again said we really have got to stop our affair, but by yesterday she was begging me back to bed. I don't know what to do.

Uncle William says:
Let me get this straight: you're having regular sessions of hot monkey sex with an attractive more experienced lover, no strings attached, and you don't know what to do. Seriously? Here we go again. How about you get down on your knees and offer some fervent gratitude toward your deity of choice.
Guys and their pathetic fidgety games of possession: clingy boyfriends getting all uptight about what girlfriends might be up to, who they're looking at, who's looking at them, what they're wearing; just as uptight fathers react to the increasingly rival male attention enjoyed by teen daughters. Ultimately, and tragically, chumps like this are far more interested in ownership than they are in sex.
Once you've got up off your knees, let go of the fucking possessiveness. She doesn't belong to you and that's a good thing. Fuck her just the way you like it, and if she likes it, she'll keep coming back for more. That's really all there is to it and you should know that's a great place to be.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8

Uncle William: back. Mood: generous.

FAMILY DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE
(The Sun 20/05/11)
I am a Swedish boy aged 21 and my greatest dream has always been to live in the UK.
I spent some weeks in Blackpool last summer and really understand this is the place for me. The problem came when I told my family.
My mother was absolutely crushed and started crying. Lots of family friends say bad stuff about England to try to make me stay but all it does is bring me down. Living in Sweden just makes me depressed because this doesn't feel like home.
I've tried to talk about it again calmly with my mm but she just gets angry and says, "Go to England then, but you'll be back." I don't know why she acts like this. She's the kindest person I know normally. I'm not saying she should like it but at least try to support me a bit. It's really starting to affect how I feel about her.

Uncle William says:
What if your mum is indeed the kindest person you know? By all means go and test out living your dream in Blackpool while at the same time being man enough to acknowledge to her that you could be wrong and that she and your family and friends may actually be right in identifying England as a comparative shithole.

SHE PRETENDS TO BE GAGA IN BED
(Daily Star 19/05/11)
My girl’s obsession with celebrities is killing our relationship. It drives me mad that she talks about people such as Cheryl, Dannii and Tulisa as if she knows them personally.
We can be sitting in a restaurant or bar and she’ll suddenly start telling me about Cheryl’s brother or Dannii’s relationship with Kylie, like they’re the people next door. She goes into detailed and long explanations of their complicated lives and feuds and it genuinely does my head in.
She gets sex obsessions, too, and at the moment it’s Lady GaGa. The other night I was round at her flat. Suddenly, she burst into the bedroom wearing the most bizarre underwear, high heels and make up you’ve ever seen.
Then she announced in a silly, phoney American accent that she was GaGa and demanded I make love to her as the crazy singer. She wanted to stay in character all night and said we’d have some fun. It was surreal and I can’t say that I enjoyed it much.
She kept strutting around and bursting into song. I worry her worship of famous people has made her lose her own identity and personality. She spends hours researching what all of these people think about fashion, politics and diet – and then she thinks what they think.
She takes their every word as the gospel truth. It’s the same with soap stars. She talks about storylines and characters as if they are real.
Once, she told me all about this girl who had her baby stolen. It was heartbreaking stuff and I genuinely thought that she was talking about a girl at her work. It was only later that it finally dawned on me that my lass was obsessing about a storyline she’d seen in EastEnders. I tell her that she’s incapable of separating fact from fiction. She laughs but it’s true.
I’m dating a woman who takes more notice of the characters on TV and on the internet than real people and real events and the truth is  I’m finding it very hard to cope with.

Uncle William says:
You know what? I say you're a pathetic boring dreary whiny little shit.
Your girlfriend sounds awesome: she's playful, sexy, crazy, she's got a hot imagination, she's passionate and vibrant and excited about her life and her interests. You, on the other hand, should be ashamed about having to come to terms with this lovely treasure wanting to give herself to someone so completely and utterly, and depressingly, unappreciative and undeserving.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5

SHORT BREATHS 13

Afro Noise I
the response has been really fantastic, thanks so much to everyone who's already pre-ordered the CD (sadly, the free art cards are now finished but, since it's been such a success, already thinking of getting some new designs in); the first shipments have already started going out this week so they should start arriving with you very soon - was also (I confess) thrilled to see that The Wire had given it such a lovely full-page review in this month's issue, written by Nina Power

Cut Hands live
there's a Cut Hands show at the Glasgow School Of Art on 3rd June - it's free entry; I'll post more details as soon as I get them

Urbanomic
the publishers of the wonderful Collapse journal are doing a summer auction of various unmissably exciting stuff

Uncle William
afraid to say that there's no Uncle William this week; he is willing to accept sole responsibility for the inevitable disappointing dip in the number of hits taken at the blog due to his absence

SHORT BREATHS 12
SHORT BREATHS 11
SHORT BREATHS 10

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 7

Yes, your Uncle William is in a Very Bad Mood.

SUBMISSIVE FANTASIES TURN ME ON
(The Guardian 05/05/11)
I'm a 29-year-old girl who has always been turned on by submissive fantasies – such as being raped, tortured, tied up etc. I know these are common female fantasies, but my problem is I can't have an orgasm during normal sex. I can't even get turned on unless I think about submissive situations. My partner wouldn't understand if I told him what I really crave. Sometimes I think I should just give up on normal relationships and find a partner who'll be my "master" as opposed to a kind, loving, normal guy who I can enjoy all other aspects of my life with.

Uncle William says:
Why can't it be both? What the fuck is a 'normal' relationship or a 'normal' guy anyway? If sexual politics and social pressures aren't getting in the way of a woman's (or man's, for that matter) sexual fulfilment, then it's this attitude of settling for a dreary someone that happens to you rather than discovering a man you really want. To surrender to, a man who really wants you, a man that will make you feel horny when he's there and even more when he's not there.

SPENDING HABIT WRECKS MY LIFE
(Daily Star 04/05/11)
I have swapped one addiction for another. Overeating used to be my thing and now it’s overspending. I owe £12,000 and I’m going out of my mind. I’ve no way of paying this back and am too frightened and ashamed to turn to my family for help.
This time two years ago I was absolutely enormous. I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I comfort ate instead. I had chocolate bars and pop for breakfast, two takeaway pizzas for lunch and burgers, chips and cider for tea. In between I’d snack on cakes, crisps and biscuits.
One boring Sunday afternoon, I went on an all-out binge. I ate so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. An ambulance was called, only the paramedics couldn’t get me down the stairs. My nephew had to ask our neighbours to lend a hand. It was so humiliating.
Two weeks later I begged my dad to pay for a gastric band operation. He wasn’t happy, but withdrew his life savings. I had the op and started to lose weight straight away.
I quickly ditched my hideous old tents and ordered trendy new clothes, slim shoes and make-up. I treated myself to fab jewellery, hair straighteners and tanning products.
Then I met a gorgeous guy through a chat room. He invited me to spend the weekend with him in Blackpool, so I went crazy ordering new luggage, more clothes and stuff for him.
We had a passionate sex-fuelled weekend, but when we went to check out, he discovered that his wallet had been stolen.
I paid the bill and lent him £50 to get home. That was the last I ever saw of him.
Since then I’ve been spending to cheer myself up. It’s become a compulsion with me. I just can’t stop.
Going back to my dad isn’t an option, because I had his cash for my operation. I’m scared. I just don’t see any way out of this mess. Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I stop like normal people?

Uncle William says:
I'm not buying into your compulsion racket, it's time for you to own up to the fact that you've been a greedy selfish cunt. Write that down a few times. Once you've done that with enough contrition and honesty, you can phone your dad and tell him you love him and that you're sorry. And then, starting today, the credit card companies can go fuck themselves because you're going to exclusively dedicate yourself to paying your dad back what you owe him for his life savings.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 6

Yet another avuncular intervention in the lives of others that, whilst being gleefully, nay, openly gratuitous, is probably best kept secret from those at whom it seems aimed.

NO MORE MR NICE GUY
(The Sun 02/05/11)
I'm the stereotypical Mr Nice Guy, yet I get ignored by girls in favour of my less "decent" mates. It makes me bitter and angry.
I'm 17 and all my mates say I'm the nice, kind, funny and caring one in the group, yet I always end up in the doomed "friend" zone.
I met a girl last year and fell in love for the first time. We dated for just a month before she decided we were better off as just friends. I then sat back and watched her having relationships with other guys - it killed me.
Another girl I like describes me as "perfect boyfriend material" but she won't go out with me because we're such good friends. I get constant rejection. I'm the only guy in our group who is still a virgin and that puts a lot of pressure on me to find that someone special.
I've been thinking I should stop being "nice" and forget caring about girls. I've never been a one-night stand guy but, if I'm not meant for serious relationships, maybe I'm better off joining my mates in loving and leaving girls.
I know I'm sounding negative but I'm running out of hope and patience.

Uncle William says:
Ah, the dreaded 'nice guy' syndrome!
When women describe a guy as 'nice', it surely does not have the same meaning as a nice cake, or a nice house, or a nice hotel. Or a nice fuck, for that matter.
Therefore, for this to make sense, let's switch 'nice' for 'murky'.
A woman's instinctive defence shield rightly knows that all your male niceness behaviour, read 'murk', is typically a deceptive front for various kinds of unknown selfish intent, it feels uncomfortable in the sexual realm and is a big turn-off.
Come on, be honest with us, your so-called caring self extends only to girls you fancy. You know you're not 'there' to listen to me tell you all about my problems, or offering to walk some other dude home after class. You're not into complimenting wheelchair-bound grannies on their skirts, hair, or shoes, least of all their colostomy bags. You're not buying gifts for small children. That's right, I know you want to get laid, and there's nothing wrong with that, girls want to get laid too but not with murky guys.
Now don't be like your mates and fall for that schoolboy binary response that you therefore need to become an asshole. Stay good-mannered, stay cool and, above all, be honest and direct. Those girls are aching to get their filthy sex-starved paws on the yummy new you.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 5

SHE LIED FOR MONTHS AFTER SECRET ROMPS IN OUR BED
(News Of The World, 25/4/11)
I've just discovered a load of old photos and letters proving that my girlfriend had secret sex with her lover in our bed. I'm gutted.
I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 24. Everything was fine at first but six months into the relationship she wanted us to split up. She started seeing another guy but ended it with him after a few months and we got back together.
We've been happy since and living together for two years, but we recently moved house and I found all these photos and letters while clearing out our bedroom. They proved that she was seeing this guy throughout the first six months we were together and having a full-on sexual relationship with him. She used her phone to text him under her best friend's name so I wouldn't find out. She used to sneak to his to see him. She invited him to all her family parties and even invited him to a ball. She had sex with him on so many occasions, often in the same bed we slept in. She'd kiss me goodbye, telling me she loves me and then catch a train to see him.
She took him to her brother's party even though it was on the same night I crashed my car. Even this didn't wake her up from her deceit. She's lied endlessly to cover this up but she can't deny it now. I'm heartbroken, humiliated and disgusted, but can't help loving her.
She says she is deeply in love with me and that over the last two years she has been open and honest with me apart from this. But I don't know if I can carry on knowing what I know. 
Am I a mug to stay with her?

Uncle William says:
Yes.

FLIRT AT WORK IS DRIVING ME WILD
(Daily Star 22.4.11)
There's a girl at work who I really fancy but I just don’t know where I stand with her.
She’s been working there a few months and we have been smiling and chatting to each other from day one. My workmates tell me that when I’m not in, she’s always talking about me. Recently I have been making excuses to go into her department and I cannot resist flirting with her.
Two weeks ago she gave me a cuddle and a peck on my cheek. I said that I’d give her a lift home after work and we chatted and got on really well. And last week I was getting a drink from the machine and she came over and gave me another cuddle. I said I’d take her home again and while I was driving, I suggested we went for a drink. She said she couldn’t that night as she was busy but she added: “I won’t say never.”
I’ve now found out from another girl in her department that she actually has a boyfriend, even though she’s never mentioned him to me. I’ve heard that they have been together for over a year and are going on holiday together this summer. So now I’m really very confused.
Our firm is closed for a few days over Easter so I won’t be able to ask her about her boyfriend. But I just don’t understand why she’s not been truthful. I don’t know where I stand and I think she’s just playing games with me.

Uncle William says:
First of all, her boyfriend is her problem and not yours.
But seriously, never mind that - it must drive women absolutely insane to hear guys come out with ' I don't know where I stand with her', 'I was looking for the right signal', and suchlike.
These are the very words of the revolving door practitioner, the gawping needy horn dog, the impotent circling bowfin, the backsliding doggie-dinner-bowl dime-a-dozen chump. Each and every one so desperate to get his very own chance to impress her, any her, with his small-talk prospectus of bullshit achievements, possessions, experiences.
It's a fatal human behavioural flaw that allows us to believe that if we play the numbers game of trying the same thing over and over, eventually we'll succeed. Fuck that shit, it doesn't work, it will never work. I had to learn that and so can you.
If you like someone enough, you just take them. You're courteous, relaxed, and fun to be with, right? Good. But above all, remember that word take. You're going to find out if she's woman enough for you. You take the initiative, you take her by the hand, you take her some place, you take her in your arms, you take her sexually. You take her on an adventure.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 4
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 3
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 2

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Uncle William
oops, this Uncle William business is getting a bit out of hand - the blog had about four times the usual number of daily visitors last Tuesday and there have already been several, seemingly genuine and sincere, emails from all over the place soliciting help

Cut Hands
preorders for the 23/5/11 official release date are now available from Susan Lawly, 2x special exclusive Cut Hands art postcards with each copy while stocks last - read more

Disco Caligula 4
in anticipation of his set at this year's Gallery Event Berlin a week on Saturday, DJ Benetti has just unchained (for those of us thus inclined) his new fourth Disco Caligula mix: a capricious new odyssey within the magical paradise of Rimini discotheques circa '83

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DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 2

Another gratuitous helping of avuncular guidance.

HE SAYS CAR'S A BETTER RIDE
(The Sun, 5/4/11)
My boyfriend recently bought an RS Turbo and openly brags about it being better than sex with me. This has really knocked my confidence. I am 18 and my boyfriend is 22. I have been seeing him since last summer and I really love him. It's really embarrassing when he compares it to me in front of his mates. I am sure I must be doing something wrong as he prefers driving about with just the car to spending time with me. I don't know what to do as I still love him.

Uncle William says:
First of all, cut the bullshit about loving him.
He's still a boy for whom feeling validated by impressing his pals is always going to win out over sex with an 18-year-old girl, however enticing she might otherwise sound to your average middle-aged menopausal embarrassing dad/divorcee. Above all, avoid guys whose conversation topics can be depicted on a fucking graph or chart.
You're only 18 years old: go out and sleep around a bit, be a slut, have some fun and find out what you really like and don't like. Then you'll know.

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM

DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM

My favourite Dalry greasy spoon, of which there are sadly too few anywhere nowadays, has as limited choice of reading matter as it does filled rolls. But I do like the atmosphere of the place. And eating and reading go so well together that I'll even reach for a tabloid newspaper in the absence of the café's copy of Nuts.

The thing is, there's almost nothing to read in these rags bar gossip on 'celebrities' I've genuinely never heard of, maybe a tiny vaguely alarmist footnote on page 12 or so about impending apocalypse in Japan or the Middle East, or wasteful reams of dreary sports coverage. That said, there are pervy flesh-pics to drool over, and best still, the personal problems page. Personal meaning sexual, that is.

Troubled souls who write to the tabloids' letters pages could undoubtedly do without me foisting completely unsolicited ethically questionable advice and comments upon their already adequately constructed misery racket. But I'm old enough not to apologise for doing so anyway, none of my bullshit can be much worse than Tracey's, Jane's, or Deidre's. Especially Tracey's.

Expect more, much more, of this.

NAUGHTY KNICKERS
(Daily Star Sunday, 27/3/11)
My husband is always going on about me never wearing sexy underwear so I bought some and put it on for him the other night. His response was to rip it off the second he saw it. I spent all that money and made the effort but what's the point if he's not even going to look at it on me?

Uncle William says:
What the fuck is this woman's problem?
The only way the outcome could have worked more exquisitely for her is if hubby, in addition to ripping her frillies off, had stuffed her fancy bra and lacy panties down her throat and tied her arms to the bedposts with her ripped black nylons, ripped from having been forcibly led round the room on all fours like a dog. And then, without further ado, had proceeded to screw her as good and as hard as she'd only been able to once upon a time dream about.
Seriously, the only reason some women like to talk up all the soft ambient music, candles, nibbles, massages, and endless foreplay crap is because they don't really want to fuck you. See, a guy takes one look at the object of his desire, in this case his middle-aged wife in fine lingerie, and he's ready and able. Now, that's all it takes. It's a huge compliment, so just be grateful.