THEY SAY SHE'S OUT TO TRAP ME
(Daily Star, 2/2012)
I adore my new lover. She's sexy, loud and full of fun. But I’m terrified that she’s trying to trap me.
I’ve told her over and over again that I’m not interested in having a second family. My sons from my first marriage are now 19 and 21 and I’m done with breeding. The two I have cost me a fortune. One has just dropped out of university and the other has never worked. I certainly don’t want any more. Yet my girl keeps going on about babies. She talks about how beautiful our child would be. She insists that I’d make a brilliant, mature dad.
When I confront her she says that she’s just joking or winding me up, but there’s no smoke without fire. It frustrates and annoys me that she simply doesn’t listen.
I’m a successful businessman. I earn a few bob and enjoy a good lifestyle. I love travelling and being free. The last thing I need is another screaming brat in my life.
My girl is several years younger than me and my oldest friends refer to her as The Piranha behind her back. They claim that she’s a ruthless gold-digger who is after my money and an easy life. My mate reckons I’m a fool for allowing myself to be flattered and sucked in.
He insists that she’s got an agenda and that I’m playing with fire every time I jump into bed with her. But I know she’s on the Pill because I’ve seen her taking it on the several occasions when we’ve been away for romantic weekends together. Plus she’s certainly not a gold-digger because she’s got a great, well-paid job working for her family.
I keep telling my friends to mind their own business but, privately, their warnings ring in my ears. Perhaps she is a vulture and I’m easy prey. Perhaps she does intend to trap me and take my money.
Uncle William says:
You keep pulling the same trick and here's how you do it: 'I adore my new lover. She's sexy, loud and full of fun. But I’m terrified that she’s trying to trap me.'
Note the sneaky use of that one word: 'BUT'. There's no 'BUT' there, it's 'AND'. She's wonderful AND you're terrified.
Dump your pathetic fears and grow up.
See, the issue here isn't about her, it's about you and your dithering paranoia, it's about you and your suspicious attitudes, your cowardly gullibility, your mean-spirited distrust.
You don't want to have children? Then wear a fucking condom.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 14
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12