Dying embers of 2011 extended edition.
CAN'T COME, WON'T COME
(Cosmopolitan, 12/2011)
I can't orgasm during sex and I hate it when men insist on trying to make me. Sometimes I fake one to stop them. I still enjoy sex; I just don't feel the need to climax. Why can't men accept that?
Uncle William says:
Why can't you accept the fact that these men that you've chosen to have sex with can't accept that you can't orgasm? Oh, and by the way, men fake orgasms too.
I SUSPECT MY DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND IS GAY. WHAT DO I DO?
(The Guardian, 10/2011)
My daughter aged 19 is going out with a boy whom I suspect is gay. This is her first relationship, and I am worried for her. We have had lots of talks about him and her sexuality. How does a parent handle such a situation?
Uncle William says:
Your daughter is aged 19. She is going out with a boy. You think it's her first relationship. You do nothing.
REGRET OVER MY BATHROOM ROMP
(Just Jane, 22/12/2011)
I stupidly had wild sex with a girl at a Christmas party and now she won’t leave me alone.
It was a pretty wild party and most people were snogging and groping each other, so it’s not like it meant anything.
Now she’s constantly texting me and phoning me and it’s driving me nuts.
So far I’ve managed to avoid her when I’ve been out but I know I’ve been lucky as she texts to tell me that she’s just missed me in the pub or club and could I just meet her.
Well, the answer is no.
The fact is that this girl made all the running and started dancing in front of me. Then she got close and started to kiss my neck.
What’s a guy to do?
Pushing her off would have just been rude and when she started pulling me towards the bathroom who was I to say no?
Within seconds we had our clothes off and were having sex on the floor by the bath.
Luckily I had a condom and after we had finished we got dressed and I suggested we leave separately. I told her to wait five minutes and went home.
I later heard that she’d been looking for me everywhere
. Now I can’t get rid of her.
I promised her nothing and it was her who made the first move and dragged me to the bathroom.
How can I get her off my back?
Uncle William says:
Men, and I hesitate to use the word 'man' in your case, can be such adolescent fools.
Don't you realise it's exactly your stupid asshole avoidance strategy that makes it mean something. You give somebody a nice piece of something and then whisk it away from them for no obvious reason, then they're going to come running after it, maybe obsessively.
How about you strap on a pair, phone her to meet up for coffee, and tell her face to face that you're not ready for a relationship?
How hard really is that?
And on that note, your Uncle William wishes an intensely happy and fruitful 2012 to everyone who reads this stuff.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 6
More new shows added, including some details on the tour Stateside! As usual, more info is on the way.
19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : Islington Mill (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
tbc Feb : (Seattle, USA)
tbc Feb : (Portland, USA)
tbc Feb : (San Francisco, USA)
tbc Feb : (Los Angeles, USA)
tbc Feb : (Austin, USA)
17th Feb : tbc (St. Louis, USA)
18th Feb : Empty Bottle (Chicago, USA)
19th Feb : tbc (Cleveland, USA)
21st Feb : (Pittsburgh, USA)
23rd Feb : tbc (Washington DC, USA)
24th Feb : Public Assembly (New York, USA)
25th Feb : tbc (Boston, USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)
19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : Islington Mill (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
tbc Feb : (Seattle, USA)
tbc Feb : (Portland, USA)
tbc Feb : (San Francisco, USA)
tbc Feb : (Los Angeles, USA)
tbc Feb : (Austin, USA)
17th Feb : tbc (St. Louis, USA)
18th Feb : Empty Bottle (Chicago, USA)
19th Feb : tbc (Cleveland, USA)
21st Feb : (Pittsburgh, USA)
23rd Feb : tbc (Washington DC, USA)
24th Feb : Public Assembly (New York, USA)
25th Feb : tbc (Boston, USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)
Monday, November 28, 2011
CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 5
Some new shows added at what are going to be unmissable events. More details soon.
28th Nov : Sonic (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : Ilot 13 (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - Incapacitants 30th Anniversary + Ramleh
4th Dec : Club Metro (Kyoto, Japan) + Ramleh
10th Dec : Occii (Amsterdam, Netherlands)
2012
19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
14th-25th Feb : (USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th-30th Mar : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)
28th Nov : Sonic (Lyon, France)
30th Nov : Ilot 13 (Geneva, Switzerland)
2nd Dec : Unit (Tokyo, Japan) - Incapacitants 30th Anniversary + Ramleh
4th Dec : Club Metro (Kyoto, Japan) + Ramleh
10th Dec : Occii (Amsterdam, Netherlands)
2012
19th Jan : Rhiz (Vienna, Austria)
20th Jan : tbc (Prague, Czech Republic)
21st Jan : KLICKclub @ Kunsthaus 54 (Berlin, Germany)
26th Jan : Supersimetria (Barcelona, Spain) - Florian Hecker + Phill Niblock et al.
1st Feb : CTM12 Festival (Berlin, Germany)
4th Feb : (Manchester, UK) - Raime + Regis
14th-25th Feb : (USA)
21st Mar : Instants Chavirés (Paris, France)
29th-30th Mar : Avatarium Festival (Saint Étienne, France)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 13
MY DIRTY RAT
(The Daily Star, 1/12/11)
Over the summer I got caught up in a stupid affair with a married bloke from my office.
I lost my head for the best part of ten weeks. I drank too much, skipped work and really let myself down.
He and I visited a seedy hotel not far from our office where we had regular sex. I let him do all sorts of dirty things to me. We used sex toys, especially bondage straps. He took photos and videos on his mobile phone.
One night, he paid for a hooker from the street below to come up and have a threesome with us. She was a ballsy, matter-of-fact woman who clearly thought we were a couple of idiots with more money than sense. At the time, I thought we were being edgy and ironic. I thought it was so clever and funny. But now I look back and cry. How could I have been so stupid?
The most humiliating part is that my "love" dumped me soon after I helped him clear his overdraft. He was paranoid about his wife finding out about his “extra- curricular” spending. Now he’s with another girl from our office and I’m convinced he’s told her all about me. They’re together all the time, giggling and flirting.
The other day my mate took me to the pizza place next to work for her birthday and they were in there. I actually heard him snort with laughter as I arrived. He whispered something to her and she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I fled in tears.
Everyone keeps telling me to ignore them. They say he’s a snake with a horrible reputation. But I fell for him. At one point I even thought I loved him and asked him to leave his wife for me.
How does that make me look? And what does that say about my rubbish sense of judgment?
Uncle William says:
How does that make you look?! Your sense of judgment?!
The only thing it says about you is that you're no different to anyone else. You too suffer from that maddeningly incurable human disease of always having to be right and seen to be right. Fuck that shit.
I get that you think you made a mistake.
Well, so what? It's part of a process called learning.
Here specifically it was the priceless lesson that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that asshole. And you even had some fun while that happened in the form of some delightfully corrupt reprehensible sex in a seedy hotel room.
Take pride in making mistakes, celebrate being wrong. It's attractive and I like you all the more for it.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
(The Daily Star, 1/12/11)
Over the summer I got caught up in a stupid affair with a married bloke from my office.
I lost my head for the best part of ten weeks. I drank too much, skipped work and really let myself down.
He and I visited a seedy hotel not far from our office where we had regular sex. I let him do all sorts of dirty things to me. We used sex toys, especially bondage straps. He took photos and videos on his mobile phone.
One night, he paid for a hooker from the street below to come up and have a threesome with us. She was a ballsy, matter-of-fact woman who clearly thought we were a couple of idiots with more money than sense. At the time, I thought we were being edgy and ironic. I thought it was so clever and funny. But now I look back and cry. How could I have been so stupid?
The most humiliating part is that my "love" dumped me soon after I helped him clear his overdraft. He was paranoid about his wife finding out about his “extra- curricular” spending. Now he’s with another girl from our office and I’m convinced he’s told her all about me. They’re together all the time, giggling and flirting.
The other day my mate took me to the pizza place next to work for her birthday and they were in there. I actually heard him snort with laughter as I arrived. He whispered something to her and she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I fled in tears.
Everyone keeps telling me to ignore them. They say he’s a snake with a horrible reputation. But I fell for him. At one point I even thought I loved him and asked him to leave his wife for me.
How does that make me look? And what does that say about my rubbish sense of judgment?
Uncle William says:
How does that make you look?! Your sense of judgment?!
The only thing it says about you is that you're no different to anyone else. You too suffer from that maddeningly incurable human disease of always having to be right and seen to be right. Fuck that shit.
I get that you think you made a mistake.
Well, so what? It's part of a process called learning.
Here specifically it was the priceless lesson that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that asshole. And you even had some fun while that happened in the form of some delightfully corrupt reprehensible sex in a seedy hotel room.
Take pride in making mistakes, celebrate being wrong. It's attractive and I like you all the more for it.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 12
I'M A SLAVE TO MY BRAT GIRL
(The Daily Star, 9/11/11)
My girlfriend’s typical day goes something like this. Up at the crack of noon, beauty treatments, lunch and shopping until 4pm. Then it’s back home for Facebook, online browsing and catalogues until I stagger in at 6pm. She then lies back on the settee and orders me to cook her favourite foods while she watches soaps or chats to friends.
I’m left to clear up the flat, organise the washing and pay the bills, all on top of working a full day. To say she’s a diva is being nice.
To say she’s a lazy, greedy, grasping brat is more the truth. I’m the only one earning any money, but it doesn’t cross her mind to pitch in or help out.
All she does is take, take, take and demand more from me. She’s only just had her birthday and now she’s talking about what she wants for Christmas and the New Year (yep, I’m required to buy her a New Year present too).
At the moment she’s also obsessed with where she wants to go on holiday next summer: Ibiza or somewhere more exotic. It’s all such a dilemma...
Come 10pm, just as I’m drying the last of the pots, she genuinely expects me to come over all romantic and whisk her off to bed for a night of passion. When I try to point out that I’m knackered and feel about as frisky as the dishcloth she goes into a major strop. She accuses me of neglecting her and not putting enough effort into our relationship. Ha. That’s a joke. I’m the only one putting any effort into anything.
Whenever I suggest her getting a job she says she won’t because she’s got a phobia about public transport and can’t get on a bus. If ever I beg her to help me around the flat she sniffs that it’s not her problem, because it’s not her flat, it’s mine.
How am I supposed to deal with this?
Uncle William says:
Every single time you give in to the demands, every time you tolerate her bratty behaviour, every time you beg for her help, she hates you just that little bit more.
To begin with, it was a test to see if you're man enough for her. And you failed. Not even a boy, you're a bitch wimp.
And now she's enjoying this free easy comfy ride perhaps occasionally recalling the dream of what being with a man would really be like. Being with that someone who'd call her on her bullshit, that someone who'd take her on his whims, that someone who'd ruthlessly expect her to be woman enough to have to deserve her rewards.
It's over, at least man up to tell her you're finished. This relationship is dead.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
(The Daily Star, 9/11/11)
My girlfriend’s typical day goes something like this. Up at the crack of noon, beauty treatments, lunch and shopping until 4pm. Then it’s back home for Facebook, online browsing and catalogues until I stagger in at 6pm. She then lies back on the settee and orders me to cook her favourite foods while she watches soaps or chats to friends.
I’m left to clear up the flat, organise the washing and pay the bills, all on top of working a full day. To say she’s a diva is being nice.
To say she’s a lazy, greedy, grasping brat is more the truth. I’m the only one earning any money, but it doesn’t cross her mind to pitch in or help out.
All she does is take, take, take and demand more from me. She’s only just had her birthday and now she’s talking about what she wants for Christmas and the New Year (yep, I’m required to buy her a New Year present too).
At the moment she’s also obsessed with where she wants to go on holiday next summer: Ibiza or somewhere more exotic. It’s all such a dilemma...
Come 10pm, just as I’m drying the last of the pots, she genuinely expects me to come over all romantic and whisk her off to bed for a night of passion. When I try to point out that I’m knackered and feel about as frisky as the dishcloth she goes into a major strop. She accuses me of neglecting her and not putting enough effort into our relationship. Ha. That’s a joke. I’m the only one putting any effort into anything.
Whenever I suggest her getting a job she says she won’t because she’s got a phobia about public transport and can’t get on a bus. If ever I beg her to help me around the flat she sniffs that it’s not her problem, because it’s not her flat, it’s mine.
How am I supposed to deal with this?
Uncle William says:
Every single time you give in to the demands, every time you tolerate her bratty behaviour, every time you beg for her help, she hates you just that little bit more.
To begin with, it was a test to see if you're man enough for her. And you failed. Not even a boy, you're a bitch wimp.
And now she's enjoying this free easy comfy ride perhaps occasionally recalling the dream of what being with a man would really be like. Being with that someone who'd call her on her bullshit, that someone who'd take her on his whims, that someone who'd ruthlessly expect her to be woman enough to have to deserve her rewards.
It's over, at least man up to tell her you're finished. This relationship is dead.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
Thursday, October 27, 2011
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 11
I FEEL SUCH A PLONKER FOR SLEEPING WITH WINE SHOP BOSS
(The Sun, 26/10/11)
I've done something so stupid and regrettable - I've had sex with the manager of the wine shop where I work.
I'm 24 and this guy I work with is 30. We run a big wine shop where wine-buffs come in and bulk-buy it by the case.
My boss is full of himself and married but it's no secret that he shags around. He's been known to go with customers as well as other girls who work with me, and I know he had sex with the girl who had my job before me. I was determined he wasn't going to get his paws on me as he treats girls so badly.
But then we went away for a weekend to a big wine-tasting exhibition. My boss was lording it up as usual and started sending me flirty texts, saying how lovely I was.
We went back to our hotel and he invited me up to his room and tried to seduce me, but I said to him, "I know what will happen; I'll sleep with you and you'll then you'll ignore me."
He denied it, saying he'd never treat me that way. I gave in – he won – and we ended up in the sack. He was a great lover and I thought we had something going.
We got back to work and it was a different story. Just as I'd predicted, he ignored me when I walked past his office shouting hello. He just gave me an evil look.
How can I work with him when he knows what is underneath my clothes and I know what he's got in his trousers?
I'm married and my husband treats me well, so why have I been such a fool?
Uncle William says:
Really, it's no mystery, we've seen it all before.
Uncle William knows what you've got underneath your clothes, we all know what you've got underneath your clothes, and believe me, you're no different to anyone else.
And furthermore, that pussy of yours is greedy and that's great. Enjoy it. Admit it. And quit trying to use it as a means for soul possession.
You got to go for a swanky weekend tasting fine wines, you got enjoyably and satisfyingly fucked, and best of all, your boss isn't making a creepy fuss about your indiscretions. What a gentleman. You're a lucky girl.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
(The Sun, 26/10/11)
I've done something so stupid and regrettable - I've had sex with the manager of the wine shop where I work.
I'm 24 and this guy I work with is 30. We run a big wine shop where wine-buffs come in and bulk-buy it by the case.
My boss is full of himself and married but it's no secret that he shags around. He's been known to go with customers as well as other girls who work with me, and I know he had sex with the girl who had my job before me. I was determined he wasn't going to get his paws on me as he treats girls so badly.
But then we went away for a weekend to a big wine-tasting exhibition. My boss was lording it up as usual and started sending me flirty texts, saying how lovely I was.
We went back to our hotel and he invited me up to his room and tried to seduce me, but I said to him, "I know what will happen; I'll sleep with you and you'll then you'll ignore me."
He denied it, saying he'd never treat me that way. I gave in – he won – and we ended up in the sack. He was a great lover and I thought we had something going.
We got back to work and it was a different story. Just as I'd predicted, he ignored me when I walked past his office shouting hello. He just gave me an evil look.
How can I work with him when he knows what is underneath my clothes and I know what he's got in his trousers?
I'm married and my husband treats me well, so why have I been such a fool?
Uncle William says:
Really, it's no mystery, we've seen it all before.
Uncle William knows what you've got underneath your clothes, we all know what you've got underneath your clothes, and believe me, you're no different to anyone else.
And furthermore, that pussy of yours is greedy and that's great. Enjoy it. Admit it. And quit trying to use it as a means for soul possession.
You got to go for a swanky weekend tasting fine wines, you got enjoyably and satisfyingly fucked, and best of all, your boss isn't making a creepy fuss about your indiscretions. What a gentleman. You're a lucky girl.
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
Monday, October 10, 2011
CUT HANDS LIVE UPDATE 4
New Cut Hands shows added for Vienna, Berlin, and Poznan now confirmed for 21st November.
10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland) - sold outwww.magasin4.be
10th Oct : Unsound Festival (Krakow, Poland) - sold outwww.magasin4.be
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
ACQUISITIONS 16
reading
The Fatal Gift Of Beauty: The Trials Of Amanda Knox - Nina Burleigh
Demonic Males - Richard Wrangham, Dale Peterson
Clint, The Life And Legend - Patrick McGilligan
The Psychology Of Everyday Things - Donald A. Norman
listening
From The Bogs Of Aughiska - From The Bogs Of Aughiska (CD)
Out Of Your Mind - Alan Watts (CD)
Various - Yerevan Tapes (Soundcloud)
viewing
Sinai Field Mission - Frederick Wiseman
Great White Death - Jean-Patrick Lebel
Cropsey - Barbara Brancaccio, Joshua Zeman
ACQUISITIONS 15
ACQUISITIONS 14
ACQUISITIONS 13
The Fatal Gift Of Beauty: The Trials Of Amanda Knox - Nina Burleigh
Demonic Males - Richard Wrangham, Dale Peterson
Clint, The Life And Legend - Patrick McGilligan
The Psychology Of Everyday Things - Donald A. Norman
listening
From The Bogs Of Aughiska - From The Bogs Of Aughiska (CD)
Out Of Your Mind - Alan Watts (CD)
Various - Yerevan Tapes (Soundcloud)
viewing
Sinai Field Mission - Frederick Wiseman
Great White Death - Jean-Patrick Lebel
Cropsey - Barbara Brancaccio, Joshua Zeman
ACQUISITIONS 15
ACQUISITIONS 14
ACQUISITIONS 13
Sunday, October 02, 2011
UNCLE WILLIAM TO RETURN
Uncle William is coming back from his sabbatical...
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 10
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 9
DEAR UNCLE WILLIAM 8
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
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