MUSTN'T-HAVES 3

The names are arguably worse than the products. When you discover the packaging of your partner's Spanx Seamless Control Pants nestled in the wastepaper basket, it's not even the thing itself any more that is as gross a turn-off as it is the name. Let's forensically dissect this.

• Spanx: it's already been proven beyond reasonable doubt that any thing Spanx, anything, signifies a desperate concealment of perceived faults allied to all-out war against sexual attraction
• Control: control what exactly? after barely a few seconds' transderivational search one's mind is already moving into an incontinent overdrive of piss, shit, and various other secretions, along with the not entirely unrelated litany of shape issues such as muffin top minimising, saggy bum lifting, love handle elimination, baby belly taming, lumpy midriff smoothing, and thunder thigh reduction; all gloriously evoked thanks to... control
• Pants: any movie starring Keanu Reeves, Christian Slater or Macauley Culkin is pants; 'pants' is but an adjective and should never ever be used as a noun unless being applied in an entirely derogatory or comedic way
• Seamless: seams are a major feature to make clothes attractive; let me say that again: seams make clothes attractive, give them their worth - it's the beautiful seams on coats, shirts and blouses, skirts, stockings, lingerie, that all give the eye pleasure to appreciate the curves of the body, pleasure to follow to where it leads, pleasure to appreciate the craftsman's loving investment in its creation

Yes, it's true that nomenclature employed for men's products is pretty embarrassing, appealing to an apparently insatiable love of technology and gadgets. But what's with the cringeworthy names for women's mustn't-haves? It must be part of some gigantic practical joke that something as unflattering and smelly as UGG boots, or that most repellent of legwear, footless tights, are named thus; or that 'gladiators' could imply any kind of femininity; or that there might not be some thing unsettlingly inconceivable about the phrase 'Maureen peeled off her jeggings before surrendering herself to her man's desire...'

MUSTN'T-HAVES 2
MUSTN'T-HAVES 1

MUSTN'T-HAVES 2

We can't blame Nina Garcia for this brief update, and yet the streets seem to be awash with devotees of the latest, quite frankly, repellent examples of celebrity-led tack sold as 'essential' by the ubiquitous paparazzi magazines. At least some 80s and 90s fashion looked good for a season or two. Didn't it?

• Gladiators: thumbs down for this heinously, mythologically ugly footwear - as emperor, I decree that all transgressors should be rounded up and fed to the lions in the Colosseum
  
• Cropped Tuxedos: there are still way too many stuffy male sommeliers in upmarket metropolitan restaurants, don't you agree? it's high time to counter the imbalance, £180 at Karen Millen buys the uniform
  
• PeachyBody Pants: these repulsive monstrosities, similar to the laughably named (yet shockingly popular) Scala Bio-Fir range, are designed to have that orange-peel cellulite magically 'melt' away like fog on a sunny hillside; they claim that to achieve the desired effect you should have to wear them for 8 hours a day for 3 weeks - nasty
• Studs In Everything: please make a serious assessment of all those ageing 70s Iron Maiden and AC/DC fans still sporting their studded wristbands and jean jackets
• Crop Trousers: notice how every single one of the otherwise attractive models in Exhibit A looks like she's being forced at gunpoint to wear these things in front of a camera
  
• Footless Tights: the fugliest of fugly anti-trollwear make the legs of even the young and beautiful look short, stumpy, mumsy, and misshapen whilst simultaneously allowing greater public awareness of corn and bunion issues
  
• Oversized Sunglasses: Exhibit B
  
• Oversized Handbags: when a handbag is big enough for you to hide in, then I think we can safely declare that the rubicon that runs between functionality and ridicularseness has irrevocably been crossed
  

MUSTN'T-HAVES 1

MUSTN'T-HAVES

One assumes Nina Garcia graduated from the Sex In The City College of how to commit crimes against fashion - to write a book of '100 must-haves for every fashionable woman' encouraging others to be a walking laughing stock is perverse and irresponsible. It makes you wonder what hideous garish planet the so-called fashion editors from some women's magazines come from, because Garcia is by no means the only serial offender.

Let's look at some of her so-called must-haves. This is going to be a long post so grab a nice hot cup of tea.

• Animal Print: does that scream anything other than middle-aged woman trying way too hard? hang on a minute, Garcia even suggests going for the 'full outfit'...
  
• Ankle Boots: one of the most common functions of clothes is for camouflaging, or detracting attention away from, perceived body flaws and vulnerabilities - the operative word is 'perceived' because it's a part of the illusion of identity; either way you look at it, these boots are horrible
• Aviators: unless your name is Amelia Earhart, or you're part of Colonel Gadaffi's entourage of female bodyguards, aviator sunglasses are just going to look plain ridiculous
• Black Opaque Tights: 'the higher the denier the better'? is this some kind of misprint?? I don't think there can be anything unsexier for the legs - other than skinny jeans and those indescribably repulsive leggings things; as with ankle boots, their popularity is far more to do with complexes with parts of the leg, like knees, thighs, calves and so forth
  
• Blazer: right now I can't think of anything worse than being seen in public sitting at a table with someone wearing a fucking blazer (male or female)
• Boyfriend Cardigan: men who wear cardigans are usually serial killers or child molestors, so why is it that a woman would even go out with a guy that wears them, let alone borrow one from him?
• Clutch Bags: while now and again I'll pay (sincere) compliments to a person's clothes and appearance, handbags mean nothing as far as I'm concerned whether they be a £5,000 Hermes creation or a used carrier bag from Lidl, yet women for some unfathomable reason place enormous value in this accessory
• Denim Jacket: Exhibit A, I rest my case
• Fishnets: nowhere near as 'super-sexy' as they'd have you believe
• Frye Harness Boots: a lot of dodgy product placement here in Garcia's list - my ankle boots comments apply
• Gentleman's Hat: wearing a fucking fedora would be grounds enough to get dumped on the spot, I don't care who you are
  
• Havaianas: it's a proven fact that flip-flops can only look good on young women from South America or South East Asia, or else children at the seaside
  
• iPod: product placement alert - did I ever mention how much I hate iTunes?
• Kaftans: look good when pregnant
  
• Leather Trousers: yeuch... Exhibit B; leather skirts for sure but does anyone really find a sweaty smelly butch trouser in any way alluring?
• Old Concert T-Shirt: broadcasting to the world what awful music one listened to 15 years ago does not seem like a cool thing to be wearing
• Pyjamas: these passion-killing monstrosities must be responsible as the real (yet unsaid) grounds for so many separations and divorces - only appropriate for small children and incontinent geriatrics in nursing homes
• Push-Up Bra: just because you're turning heads doesn't mean people like what they see, a push-up bra fools no-one, and just highlights another personal complex which is no big deal anyway
• Polo Shirt: anyone up for a round of golf?
• Safari Jacket: this is one of those items that will transform even the most exquisite gorgeous angel into a grumpy frumpy old biddy
  
• Spanx Tights: more product placement courtesy of Elle magazine; Exhibit C - these things are way way beyond grotesque, I'm actually shuddering in horror as I'm typing these words; any straight man that would admit to finding something like this attractive should seek immediate counselling for his condition
  
• Zip-Front Hoodies: I'm assuming the hoodie connotations do not resonate in metropolitan New York