Let's look at some of her so-called must-haves. This is going to be a long post so grab a nice hot cup of tea.
- Animal Print: does that scream anything other than middle-aged woman trying way too hard? hang on a minute, Garcia even suggests going for the 'full outfit'...
- Ankle Boots: one of the most common functions of clothes is for camouflaging, or detracting attention away from, perceived body flaws and vulnerabilities - the operative word is 'perceived' because it's a part of the illusion of identity; either way you look at it, these boots are horrible
- Aviators: unless your name is Amelia Earhart, or you're part of Colonel Gadaffi's entourage of female bodyguards, aviator sunglasses are just going to look plain ridiculous
- Black Opaque Tights: 'the higher the denier the better'? is this some kind of misprint?? I don't think there can be anything unsexier for the legs - other than skinny jeans and those indescribably repulsive leggings things; as with ankle boots, their popularity is far more to do with complexes with parts of the leg, like knees, thighs, calves and so forth
- Blazer: right now I can't think of anything worse than being seen in public sitting at a table with someone wearing a fucking blazer (male or female)
- Boyfriend Cardigan: men who wear cardigans are usually serial killers or child molestors, so why is it that a woman would even go out with a guy that wears them, let alone borrow one from him?
- Clutch Bags: while now and again I'll pay (sincere) compliments to a person's clothes and appearance, handbags mean nothing as far as I'm concerned whether they be a £5,000 Hermes creation or a used carrier bag from Lidl, yet women for some unfathomable reason place enormous value in this accessory
- Denim Jacket: Exhibit A, I rest my case
- Fishnets: nowhere near as 'super-sexy' as they'd have you believe
- Frye Harness Boots: a lot of dodgy product placement here in Garcia's list - my ankle boots comments apply
- Gentleman's Hat: wearing a fucking fedora would be grounds enough to get dumped on the spot, I don't care who you are
- Havaianas: it's a proven fact that flip-flops can only look good on young women from South America or South East Asia, or else children at the seaside
- iPod: product placement alert - did I ever mention how much I hate iTunes?
- Kaftans: look good when pregnant
- Leather Trousers: yeuch... Exhibit B; leather skirts for sure but does anyone really find a sweaty smelly butch trouser in any way alluring?
- Old Concert T-Shirt: broadcasting to the world what awful music one listened to 15 years ago does not seem like a cool thing to be wearing
- Pyjamas: these passion-killing monstrosities must be responsible as the real (yet unsaid) grounds for so many separations and divorces - only appropriate for small children and incontinent geriatrics in nursing homes
- Push-Up Bra: just because you're turning heads doesn't mean people like what they see, a push-up bra fools no-one, and just highlights another personal complex which is no big deal anyway
- Polo Shirt: anyone up for a round of golf?
- Safari Jacket: this is one of those items that will transform even the most exquisite gorgeous angel into a grumpy frumpy old biddy
- Spanx Tights: more product placement courtesy of Elle magazine; Exhibit C - these things are way way beyond grotesque, I'm actually shuddering in horror as I'm typing these words; any straight man that would admit to finding something like this attractive should seek immediate counselling for his condition
- Zip-Front Hoodies: I'm assuming the hoodie connotations do not resonate in metropolitan New York
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