MUSTN'T-HAVES 2

We can't blame Nina Garcia for this brief update, and yet the streets seem to be awash with devotees of the latest, quite frankly, repellent examples of celebrity-led tack sold as 'essential' by the ubiquitous paparazzi magazines. At least some 80s and 90s fashion looked good for a season or two. Didn't it?

• Gladiators: thumbs down for this heinously, mythologically ugly footwear - as emperor, I decree that all transgressors should be rounded up and fed to the lions in the Colosseum
  
• Cropped Tuxedos: there are still way too many stuffy male sommeliers in upmarket metropolitan restaurants, don't you agree? it's high time to counter the imbalance, £180 at Karen Millen buys the uniform
  
• PeachyBody Pants: these repulsive monstrosities, similar to the laughably named (yet shockingly popular) Scala Bio-Fir range, are designed to have that orange-peel cellulite magically 'melt' away like fog on a sunny hillside; they claim that to achieve the desired effect you should have to wear them for 8 hours a day for 3 weeks - nasty
• Studs In Everything: please make a serious assessment of all those ageing 70s Iron Maiden and AC/DC fans still sporting their studded wristbands and jean jackets
• Crop Trousers: notice how every single one of the otherwise attractive models in Exhibit A looks like she's being forced at gunpoint to wear these things in front of a camera
  
• Footless Tights: the fugliest of fugly anti-trollwear make the legs of even the young and beautiful look short, stumpy, mumsy, and misshapen whilst simultaneously allowing greater public awareness of corn and bunion issues
  
• Oversized Sunglasses: Exhibit B
  
• Oversized Handbags: when a handbag is big enough for you to hide in, then I think we can safely declare that the rubicon that runs between functionality and ridicularseness has irrevocably been crossed
  

MUSTN'T-HAVES 1

MUSTN'T-HAVES

One assumes Nina Garcia graduated from the Sex In The City College of how to commit crimes against fashion - to write a book of '100 must-haves for every fashionable woman' encouraging others to be a walking laughing stock is perverse and irresponsible. It makes you wonder what hideous garish planet the so-called fashion editors from some women's magazines come from, because Garcia is by no means the only serial offender.

Let's look at some of her so-called must-haves. This is going to be a long post so grab a nice hot cup of tea.

• Animal Print: does that scream anything other than middle-aged woman trying way too hard? hang on a minute, Garcia even suggests going for the 'full outfit'...
  
• Ankle Boots: one of the most common functions of clothes is for camouflaging, or detracting attention away from, perceived body flaws and vulnerabilities - the operative word is 'perceived' because it's a part of the illusion of identity; either way you look at it, these boots are horrible
• Aviators: unless your name is Amelia Earhart, or you're part of Colonel Gadaffi's entourage of female bodyguards, aviator sunglasses are just going to look plain ridiculous
• Black Opaque Tights: 'the higher the denier the better'? is this some kind of misprint?? I don't think there can be anything unsexier for the legs - other than skinny jeans and those indescribably repulsive leggings things; as with ankle boots, their popularity is far more to do with complexes with parts of the leg, like knees, thighs, calves and so forth
  
• Blazer: right now I can't think of anything worse than being seen in public sitting at a table with someone wearing a fucking blazer (male or female)
• Boyfriend Cardigan: men who wear cardigans are usually serial killers or child molestors, so why is it that a woman would even go out with a guy that wears them, let alone borrow one from him?
• Clutch Bags: while now and again I'll pay (sincere) compliments to a person's clothes and appearance, handbags mean nothing as far as I'm concerned whether they be a £5,000 Hermes creation or a used carrier bag from Lidl, yet women for some unfathomable reason place enormous value in this accessory
• Denim Jacket: Exhibit A, I rest my case
• Fishnets: nowhere near as 'super-sexy' as they'd have you believe
• Frye Harness Boots: a lot of dodgy product placement here in Garcia's list - my ankle boots comments apply
• Gentleman's Hat: wearing a fucking fedora would be grounds enough to get dumped on the spot, I don't care who you are
  
• Havaianas: it's a proven fact that flip-flops can only look good on young women from South America or South East Asia, or else children at the seaside
  
• iPod: product placement alert - did I ever mention how much I hate iTunes?
• Kaftans: look good when pregnant
  
• Leather Trousers: yeuch... Exhibit B; leather skirts for sure but does anyone really find a sweaty smelly butch trouser in any way alluring?
• Old Concert T-Shirt: broadcasting to the world what awful music one listened to 15 years ago does not seem like a cool thing to be wearing
• Pyjamas: these passion-killing monstrosities must be responsible as the real (yet unsaid) grounds for so many separations and divorces - only appropriate for small children and incontinent geriatrics in nursing homes
• Push-Up Bra: just because you're turning heads doesn't mean people like what they see, a push-up bra fools no-one, and just highlights another personal complex which is no big deal anyway
• Polo Shirt: anyone up for a round of golf?
• Safari Jacket: this is one of those items that will transform even the most exquisite gorgeous angel into a grumpy frumpy old biddy
  
• Spanx Tights: more product placement courtesy of Elle magazine; Exhibit C - these things are way way beyond grotesque, I'm actually shuddering in horror as I'm typing these words; any straight man that would admit to finding something like this attractive should seek immediate counselling for his condition
  
• Zip-Front Hoodies: I'm assuming the hoodie connotations do not resonate in metropolitan New York