Monday, September 01, 2008

MUSTN'T-HAVES

One assumes Nina Garcia graduated from the Sex In The City College of how to commit crimes against fashion - to write a book of '100 must-haves for every fashionable woman' encouraging others to be a walking laughing stock is perverse and irresponsible. It makes you wonder what hideous garish planet the so-called fashion editors from some women's magazines come from, because Garcia is by no means the only serial offender.

Let's look at some of her so-called must-haves. This is going to be a long post so grab a nice hot cup of tea.

  • Animal Print: does that scream anything other than middle-aged woman trying way too hard? hang on a minute, Garcia even suggests going for the 'full outfit'...
  • Ankle Boots: one of the most common functions of clothes is for camouflaging, or detracting attention away from, perceived body flaws and vulnerabilities - the operative word is 'perceived' because it's a part of the illusion of identity; either way you look at it, these boots are horrible
  • Aviators: unless your name is Amelia Earhart, or you're part of Colonel Gadaffi's entourage of female bodyguards, aviator sunglasses are just going to look plain ridiculous
  • Black Opaque Tights: 'the higher the denier the better'? is this some kind of misprint?? I don't think there can be anything unsexier for the legs - other than skinny jeans and those indescribably repulsive leggings things; as with ankle boots, their popularity is far more to do with complexes with parts of the leg, like knees, thighs, calves and so forth
  • Blazer: right now I can't think of anything worse than being seen in public sitting at a table with someone wearing a fucking blazer (male or female)
  • Boyfriend Cardigan: men who wear cardigans are usually serial killers or child molestors, so why is it that a woman would even go out with a guy that wears them, let alone borrow one from him?
  • Clutch Bags: while now and again I'll pay (sincere) compliments to a person's clothes and appearance, handbags mean nothing as far as I'm concerned whether they be a £5,000 Hermes creation or a used carrier bag from Lidl, yet women for some unfathomable reason place enormous value in this accessory
  • Denim Jacket: Exhibit A, I rest my case
  • Fishnets: nowhere near as 'super-sexy' as they'd have you believe
  • Frye Harness Boots: a lot of dodgy product placement here in Garcia's list - my ankle boots comments apply
  • Gentleman's Hat: wearing a fucking fedora would be grounds enough to get dumped on the spot, I don't care who you are
  • Havaianas: it's a proven fact that flip-flops can only look good on young women from South America or South East Asia, or else children at the seaside
  • iPod: product placement alert - did I ever mention how much I hate iTunes?
  • Kaftans: look good when pregnant
  • Leather Trousers: yeuch... Exhibit B; leather skirts for sure but does anyone really find a sweaty smelly butch trouser in any way alluring?
  • Old Concert T-Shirt: broadcasting to the world what awful music one listened to 15 years ago does not seem like a cool thing to be wearing
  • Pyjamas: these passion-killing monstrosities must be responsible as the real (yet unsaid) grounds for so many separations and divorces - only appropriate for small children and incontinent geriatrics in nursing homes
  • Push-Up Bra: just because you're turning heads doesn't mean people like what they see, a push-up bra fools no-one, and just highlights another personal complex which is no big deal anyway
  • Polo Shirt: anyone up for a round of golf?
  • Safari Jacket: this is one of those items that will transform even the most exquisite gorgeous angel into a grumpy frumpy old biddy
  • Spanx Tights: more product placement courtesy of Elle magazine; Exhibit C - these things are way way beyond grotesque, I'm actually shuddering in horror as I'm typing these words; any straight man that would admit to finding something like this attractive should seek immediate counselling for his condition
  • Zip-Front Hoodies: I'm assuming the hoodie connotations do not resonate in metropolitan New York

20 comments:

Shonx said...

I've always wondered about those wierd little cardigans that only cover the shoulders and top of the back too. They look like someone can't figure out the temperature on their washing machine and clearly don't offer any insulation.

I do tend to agree though that most women's fashion seems to be based more around masking perceived shortcomings than accentuating their assets.

n-rich said...

I believe it's called a "shrug" ... never was a mediocre item of clothing so aptly named.

AxemRangers said...

What if the old band t-shirt is Peter Kurten LP or something hahaha

Ea-M. said...

Oooh i love those "Shrugs" and definitly prefer the danish name which translates into "a soul warmer" They're just perfect for summer nights and early spring/autumn when you can get a little cold around the shoulders and neck, but would break a sweat wearing a huge sweater. Especially great if you - like i mostly do - have a tendency to go sleeveless.

Apart from that, William, i agree that many of the "fashion advices" given in the article is just plain stupid, but please don't ditch animal print. I think just about everyone has a secret sinfull desire to wear those - i think you would look just splendid in a leopard print house-coat and i myself have a huge crush on a dress in zebra stripes, which i sadly can't afford atm.

Apart from that both blazers, leather pants and fedoras can look just great.
I guess my point is that everything can look just horrible and everything can look fantastic. It's all a matter of the allover impression of what is worn and not least HOW it's worn. That's what style is all about.

Love the Chanel type of blazer/suit as seen on sickly models this years Fall collection.

Blah blah blah... I could go on about this forever. I just hate the way SatC has made women who have a genuine passion for design, fabrics, textures, colours and not the least shoes look.
And not all women are crazy about handbags. That's one thing i have never really cared to spend money on.

Full Metal Jew said...

It said to have an iPod? Jeez, I wonder how much they got paid for that.

The Shivering Manatee said...

I put on my cardy to write this, just to spite you.

Thomas Bey William Bailey said...

William you've basically just gutted the entire Shibuya / Harajuku fashion axis with this throwing down of the gauntlet (well, as it stood 2 years ago....who knows what they've moved onto by now.)

The inclusion of the push-up bra is an interesting one here. I can't remember how we got on the subject, but I once had an all-female class of Japanese students confess to me that they "had no choice" but to wear push-up bras, which I found really sad. I tried as hard as I could to convince them that they looked perfectly fine without push-up "enhancement", that fixation on huge mammaries was a pop culture relic of the Clinton era, and even then it was something forwarded by guys grappling with mother complexes.

flora_mundi said...

the whole idea of there being fashion "rules" that apply equally to all women is patently ridiculous. any person who dresses in a way that is uncomfortable or that doesn't suit their personality is going to look embarrassing (or, at best, like one of those sad shopping-mall clones). spotting someone with a sense of style is not difficult. they're generally the ones who, when wearing components that you would find individually repulsive, somehow still look great.

SYpHA_69 said...

Yeah, I've never had much interest in fashion, I usually just wear t-shirt and jeans... have no interest in fancy, expensive clothes. I guess I kind of view clothes like I view cars... something that serves a basic function and not much else.

I wonder if these fashion experts have a good laugh at the end of the day... "I convinced her that she'd look good in that!"

Shonx said...

I wonder if these fashion experts have a good laugh at the end of the day... "I convinced her that she'd look good in that!"

I often thought it was a practical joke to be honest, one that the masses of unsmiling shoppers on a Saturday don't seem to get by the look of it.

Irk The Purists said...

"broadcasting to the world what awful music one listened to 15 years ago does not seem like a cool thing to be wearing..."

I'd have a smidgin of respect if any of these deluded women wearing vintage band T-shirts actually did like and listen to the bands thereon, no matter how turgid that band's music. Alas, it's all about what the shirt signifies, i.e. I am edgy, rebellious, kinda like Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff etc. A point made quite well here.

steve davies said...

Oh, those 'shrugs' are ghastly.

Shrug rhymes with slug and as everyone knows the First Rule of Fashion is "never wear an item of clothing that's name rhymes with a type of gastropod or mollusc".

N said...

I just wear pants, and shirts, and shoes, and undergarments... sometimes jackets and coats... I don't know what all this other shit is about. Too much other stuff to worry about in the world, sorry.

-plain midwestern girl

dirtydisco said...

Be glad you don't live in Cincinnati, Ohio, USA, many girls and women here seem to agree with many of those fashion tips. Including leggings of every color on half of all highschool and college girls.

Jeff said...

I do tend to agree though that most women's fashion seems to be based more around masking perceived shortcomings than accentuating their assets.
Buy Womens Leather Jacket Online

cyclegoddess said...

I work dressing dolls in a dept store and I have to say, much of whats touted as 'fashion' is a mystery to myself.
Despite a consuming passion for designing and making clothes ( nothing like what you find in stores, or can usually be worn to them )- I have to wonder at what has been to the female psyche or worse, what is contained in it, to think that endless shopping/fashion changes is the desired state.
of course, its the old adage of being more than one woman, supposedly to keep a man's interest. But what man, beyond gays/cross dressers/fetishes for outfits, really notices?
I admit wearing things that seems to make people stop and look ( attending swan lake, I wore a fascinator I made which was a black swans wing made of tulle swooping around my head, plus a 1920s black cocktail dress with ropes of real hand me down pearls, a fake fur stole, and black leather gloves. Everyone else wore, nothing noticeable.)
But if the average woman is the yahoo beast who sat next to me ( 'bush pig' is apt), who found great enjoyment in sneering at me while I wept thru the whole ballet - whomever is designing for HER, clearly is doing so to take ones eyes off what is a crime against humanity.
They should design Spanx for her soul.( And WTF are THOSE? I always wonder what all the men who take such ladies home, think after she gets into bed after peeling them discretely off in the bathroom. The horror!

As I always said, when someone female always remarked on how better I looked fixed up compared to how undressed up I seemed to be most of the time ( mostly thru a decade of wearing one outfit consisting of docs, a black tank top and the one short skirt I owned besides black jeans )-
Well, when anyone wakes up beside me in the morning they will not receive the rude shock I imagine any man getting on finding the woman of his desire turns out to be made of more illusion/makeup/fakery than reality.
Plus, its a nice surprise to see "I clean up well."

cyclegoddess said...

I work dressing dolls in a dept store and I have to say, much of whats touted as 'fashion' is a mystery to myself.
Despite a consuming passion for designing and making clothes ( nothing like what you find in stores, or can usually be worn to them )- I have to wonder at what has been to the female psyche or worse, what is contained in it, to think that endless shopping/fashion changes is the desired state.
of course, its the old adage of being more than one woman, supposedly to keep a man's interest. But what man, beyond gays/cross dressers/fetishes for outfits, really notices?
I admit wearing things that seems to make people stop and look ( attending swan lake, I wore a fascinator I made which was a black swans wing made of tulle swooping around my head, plus a 1920s black cocktail dress with ropes of real hand me down pearls, a fake fur stole, and black leather gloves. Everyone else wore, nothing noticeable.)
But if the average woman is the yahoo beast who sat next to me ( 'bush pig' is apt), who found great enjoyment in sneering at me while I wept thru the whole ballet - whomever is designing for HER, clearly is doing so to take ones eyes off what is a crime against humanity.
They should design Spanx for her soul.( And WTF are THOSE? I always wonder what all the men who take such ladies home, think after she gets into bed after peeling them discretely off in the bathroom. The horror!

As I always said, when someone female always remarked on how better I looked fixed up compared to how undressed up I seemed to be most of the time ( mostly thru a decade of wearing one outfit consisting of docs, a black tank top and the one short skirt I owned besides black jeans )-
Well, when anyone wakes up beside me in the morning they will not receive the rude shock I imagine any man getting on finding the woman of his desire turns out to be made of more illusion/makeup/fakery than reality.
Plus, its a nice surprise to see "I clean up well."

Miss Kerry said...

spans.
yet another garment, that surely must cause some kind of cognitive dissonance in men's minds when they see women naked, after they peel them off.
granted, men are AMAZING in how they never seem to see ( or mention ) a small amount of cellulite ( which anyone has over the age of 12 )- but for gods sake, WTF? why not just go to a gym?

Miss Kerry said...

I had to add-

Fedoras, leopard print.

Makes me cringe, every time they are dragged from the crypt. I hate fedoras so much, they make me want to be sick. Its pathological.

And handbags. Like cats, one must ask- what the fuck is with girls and their fucking endless obsession with handbags.

If I ever meet Mr Bennett, I fully expect he writes me off. I can't wear any pants BUT leggings.( Skinny people and seams in stiff pants don't mix well.) I expect to be buried in leggings, as they may well have become part of my epidermis by then.

But I must agree, Ive seen some atrocities in my time, but none so terrifying as most legs+leggings. I only get away with it, because :
a. I've got little twiglet legs.
b. Whats there is ballet chick muscle.
c. no one sees my ass hanging out uncovered.
d. whose looking? no one. Im a wierdo, living in a zombie public servant city. Im fully invisible.

Kids at work say things, like oh you could so get away with leggings and not have to cover your bum or tummy!! Your so fit.And your little.
And I wisely reply, yes. But SHOULD I? But SHOULD I?
God no.

Another good point to make about "edgy" tshirts- isn't the old urban legend that chicks that wear "tough" motor head shirts and such, the ones that your likely to get crabs from?or has fashion now reconfigured their image as divine darlings of teeny pop virgin daring?

But very worst of all- cut off shorts. Every fresh faced girl looks like a trollop who blows sailors in those.
I tried to see what a man might see, and all I could think was- it seems like a not the best idea, to go out with such nice youthful ripeness, bursting out( literally ) like that.
Unless of course you think that tormenting poor old dads shopping in the mall with visions of Lolita's girly bits against their very will, is a good idea.
Not that I think thats bad, but honestly these shorts leave nothing to the imagination.
Its best not to wave meat in front of tigers, so I advocate every woman be responsible for what she displays, to prevent forest fires.

Miss Kerry said...

Irk,
being well inoculated against fashion ( I work in it )- Id have to say this.
That guy is a t-shirt nazi. Cool regulations. Thats nerdy. - have a entire social code thats as rigid as the Japanese courts of Murasaki.
As for pop bimbos, we are lucky if in glimpsing them passing by a new stand, or tv, against our will - they even HAVE some clothes on.

Speaking of that, clueless space cadet that I am, when did the wearing of any pants/skirts at all become non-negotiable in pop music ?Does anyone know?
Even hefty hippo mammas are sporting fishnets and no pants.
It's enough to burn your retinas right out.
Im all for anyones rights to wear string bikinis on the beach, at 200 kg if thats your thing ( I can take off my glasses ). But since when has incipient type two diabetes/heart disease/serious health issues- become sexy?
All sorts of rings are sexy, its a personal thing.
But this one seems like some kind of fall of the roman empire eye watering badness.