Tuesday, December 01, 2009


We can't blame Nina Garcia for this brief update, and yet the streets seem to be awash with devotees of the latest, quite frankly, repellent examples of celebrity-led tack sold as 'essential' by the ubiquitous paparazzi magazines. At least some 80s and 90s fashion looked good for a season or two. Didn't it?
  • Gladiators: thumbs down for this heinously, mythologically ugly footwear - as emperor, I decree that all transgressors should be rounded up and fed to the lions in the Colosseum
  • Cropped Tuxedos: there are still way too many stuffy male sommeliers in upmarket metropolitan restaurants, don't you agree? it's high time to counter the imbalance, £180 at Karen Millen buys the uniform
  • PeachyBody Pants: these repulsive monstrosities, similar to the laughably named (yet shockingly popular) Scala Bio-Fir range, are designed to have that orange-peel cellulite magically 'melt' away like fog on a sunny hillside; they claim that to achieve the desired effect you should have to wear them for 8 hours a day for 3 weeks - nasty
  • Studs In Everything: please make a serious assessment of all those ageing 70s Iron Maiden and AC/DC fans still sporting their studded wristbands and jean jackets
  • Crop Trousers: notice how every single one of the otherwise attractive models in Exhibit A looks like she's being forced at gunpoint to wear these things in front of a camera
  • Footless Tights: the fugliest of fugly anti-trollwear make the legs of even the young and beautiful look short, stumpy, mumsy, and misshapen whilst simultaneously allowing greater public awareness of corn and bunion issues
  • Oversized Sunglasses: Exhibit B
  • Oversized Handbags: when a handbag is big enough for you to hide in, then I think we can safely declare that the rubicon that runs between functionality and ridicularseness has irrevocably been crossed


steve davies said...

Cropped trousers are amongst the most unflattering items any girl can wear. Footless tights are hideous and oversized sunglasses make me violent...

SYpHA_69 said...

I agree with the oversized handbags, yet I have no problem with oversized sunglasses, despite the fact I own none of my own.

Pestilent Bondage said...

Please write more fashion advice. I need it.

cyclegoddess said...

footless tights.only for dance class.
gladiator sandals only look good worn with a chiton, preferably whilst wafting about some greek ruins.
oversized handbags. a good excuse to cripple the spines and cause chiro issues for the next three decades.
cropped trousers. WTF.
but really, i thought a minor amount of celluite ( like the female understanding of male body hair ) was a masculine acceptance of being female/over the age of 11.
so why the creation of such obscene garments?
i mean if your so fat your squeezing out at the creases go to the gym. yikes.