Tuesday, December 01, 2009

MUSTN'T-HAVES 2

We can't blame Nina Garcia for this brief update, and yet the streets seem to be awash with devotees of the latest, quite frankly, repellent examples of celebrity-led tack sold as 'essential' by the ubiquitous paparazzi magazines. At least some 80s and 90s fashion looked good for a season or two. Didn't it?
  • Gladiators: thumbs down for this heinously, mythologically ugly footwear - as emperor, I decree that all transgressors should be rounded up and fed to the lions in the Colosseum
  • Cropped Tuxedos: there are still way too many stuffy male sommeliers in upmarket metropolitan restaurants, don't you agree? it's high time to counter the imbalance, £180 at Karen Millen buys the uniform
  • PeachyBody Pants: these repulsive monstrosities, similar to the laughably named (yet shockingly popular) Scala Bio-Fir range, are designed to have that orange-peel cellulite magically 'melt' away like fog on a sunny hillside; they claim that to achieve the desired effect you should have to wear them for 8 hours a day for 3 weeks - nasty
  • Studs In Everything: please make a serious assessment of all those ageing 70s Iron Maiden and AC/DC fans still sporting their studded wristbands and jean jackets
  • Crop Trousers: notice how every single one of the otherwise attractive models in Exhibit A looks like she's being forced at gunpoint to wear these things in front of a camera
  • Footless Tights: the fugliest of fugly anti-trollwear make the legs of even the young and beautiful look short, stumpy, mumsy, and misshapen whilst simultaneously allowing greater public awareness of corn and bunion issues
  • Oversized Sunglasses: Exhibit B
  • Oversized Handbags: when a handbag is big enough for you to hide in, then I think we can safely declare that the rubicon that runs between functionality and ridicularseness has irrevocably been crossed
MUSTN'T-HAVES 1

4 comments:

steve davies said...

Cropped trousers are amongst the most unflattering items any girl can wear. Footless tights are hideous and oversized sunglasses make me violent...

SYpHA_69 said...

I agree with the oversized handbags, yet I have no problem with oversized sunglasses, despite the fact I own none of my own.

Pestilent Bondage said...

Please write more fashion advice. I need it.

cyclegoddess said...

footless tights.only for dance class.
gladiator sandals only look good worn with a chiton, preferably whilst wafting about some greek ruins.
oversized handbags. a good excuse to cripple the spines and cause chiro issues for the next three decades.
cropped trousers. WTF.
but really, i thought a minor amount of celluite ( like the female understanding of male body hair ) was a masculine acceptance of being female/over the age of 11.
so why the creation of such obscene garments?
i mean if your so fat your squeezing out at the creases go to the gym. yikes.