Thursday, July 08, 2010

MUSTN'T-HAVES 3

The names are arguably worse than the products. When you discover the packaging of your partner's Spanx Seamless Control Pants nestled in the wastepaper basket, it's not even the thing itself any more that is as gross a turn-off as it is the name. Let's forensically dissect this.
  • Spanx: it's already been proven beyond reasonable doubt that any thing Spanx, anything, signifies a desperate concealment of perceived faults allied to all-out war against sexual attraction
  • Control: control what exactly? after barely a few seconds' transderivational search one's mind is already moving into an incontinent overdrive of piss, shit, and various other secretions, along with the not entirely unrelated litany of shape issues such as muffin top minimising, saggy bum lifting, love handle elimination, baby belly taming, lumpy midriff smoothing, and thunder thigh reduction; all gloriously evoked thanks to... control
  • Pants: any movie starring Keanu Reeves, Christian Slater or Macauley Culkin is pants; 'pants' is but an adjective and should never ever be used as a noun unless being applied in an entirely derogatory or comedic way
  • Seamless: seams are a major feature to make clothes attractive; let me say that again: seams make clothes attractive, give them their worth - it's the beautiful seams on coats, shirts and blouses, skirts, stockings, lingerie, that all give the eye pleasure to appreciate the curves of the body, pleasure to follow to where it leads, pleasure to appreciate the craftsman's loving investment in its creation
Yes, it's true that nomenclature employed for men's products is pretty embarrassing, appealing to an apparently insatiable love of technology and gadgets. But what's with the cringeworthy names for women's mustn't-haves? It must be part of some gigantic practical joke that something as unflattering and smelly as UGG boots, or that most repellent of legwear, footless tights, are named thus; or that 'gladiators' could imply any kind of femininity; or that there might not be some thing unsettlingly inconceivable about the phrase 'Maureen peeled off her jeggings before surrendering herself to her man's desire...'

MUSTN'T-HAVES 2
MUSTN'T-HAVES 1

2 comments:

Tony said...

Home Alone 1 & 2 or Uncle Buck shall not be dissed...fuck you Bennett.

Richo said...

With you on this completely; right down to the terribly named (and designed) Ugg boots and footless tights (real passion-killers, in the same way as knee-high stockings are on women).

Crocs are also on my list of 'mustn't-haves'. Alongside any leg-wear with a baggy crotch that sags to the knees, or near enough. They resemble something designed for people with bowel problems.