THE LORD OF COIN

It's what Hell was invented for. To use as a threat where a simple threat of violence or imprisonment or no pocket money would be ineffective, you naughty wicked bad evil sinners you. God is Love, and if you don't fall into line, expect to be smothered in fire and brimstone and forcibly fed on rats and toads. For ever. I wonder how many confessions priests get on a weekly basis about 'illegal' up/downloading.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic with the issue because it really does impact how much you're able to commit to invest in making your music, and I, like indeed I imagine Tibet does, rely on music for my living. Still, times change, and there's no use in crying and running off to mummy about it. Or some dodgy smelly priest in a varnished upright box.

These days the Holy Noncedom would have you fry in eternal damnation not just for masturbation, sodomy, homosexuality, using a condom, extramarital sex or any other sluttish behaviour - let alone vile witchery and sorcery - but also for not recycling your plastic bags. Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, for example, proclaims that the traditional 6th century seven deadly sins (for your reference, conveniently listed below with their exciting range of adjoining punishments) are those of 'yesteryear'. I'm not sure what the bearded sandal'd one up at Hallucinatory Mountain would say about that.

And silly me always thought the seven deadly sins were a qualification for entry to the church. You wonder if they'll ever include arbitrary hypocrisy. Which proves the original point.

pride: broken on the wheel
envy: put in freezing water
gluttony: forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
lust: smothered in fire and brimstone
anger: dismembered alive
greed: put in cauldrons of boiling oil
sloth: thrown in snake pits

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Thanks once again to Lorin for providing this news. So Hello Kitty is 35 years old? Wow. A collection of pictures from her birthday party to provide the unneeded evidence that proves that HK is anything but a kids' icon. Looks more like a mainstream porn convention.

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BIRDS 7

Though this won't come as new knowledge to the many who've already observed, or long known of, such things - it seems pleasingly ironic that the magpie, the bird which refused to mourn at the folkloric crucifixion of Jesus, is seen to grieve for its dead. Enjoy that Death Reference site - it's truly a good one.

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The profound loneliness of the yellow reflective jacket.

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MATTER CONSTRAINING MIND

Edinburgh University was the host venue for the latest invitee, Professor Michael Gazzaniga from California, to the prestigious Gifford series of lectures held at the four ancient Scottish universities. The lecture series has the purported intent of contributing to the advancement of philosophical and theological thought: 'natural theology', whatever in hell that means.

It's remarkable how a formal academic gathering in the imposing high-ceilinged Playfair Library with a couple hundred respectful erudite scholars can affect one's perspicacity - even for someone as avowedly hostile to the orthodox academic model as myself. It was only some time later that the extraordinary shallowness of the enterprise became apparent.

Psychologist Professor Gazzaniga wibbled and wobbled his way through his first two talks (Free: The Science Of Mind Constraining Matter), barely able to read aloud the unbelievably lightweight nonsense typed out in front of him. This was all accompanied by an inconsequentially superficial PowerPoint presentation replete with grade school spelling/punctuation mistakes and the inevitable moments of malfunctioning multimedia. If he wasn't inefficiently employing Dawkins' trademark rhetorical device of the absurdist example to prove highly contentious points, Gazzaniga was tossing around terms such as 'mind' and 'thoughts' and 'consciousness' and 'experience' and 'morality' with such inebriatedly undefined abandon that you wondered how on earth he even managed to gain a degree, let alone a coveted invitation to the Gifford Lectures.

However, it was the brief post-lecture Q&As that really found him out. The audience's questions were mostly insightful and pertinent to the topic, yet when Gazzaniga didn't freeze up completely, he invariably chose to misinterpret their focus through brazenly inaccurate rewording; a tried and trusted mechanism by teachers to avoid having to admit to not having an answer, thus preserving the vanity of their given social status as founts of knowledge.

It enrages you even more to consider the plight and gratuitous suffering of the thousands of research animals at the bloodsoaked hands of 'scientists' like Gazzaniga and company. I won't make this worse by relaying some of the nonsensical experiments alluded to - suffice to say that we humans are apparently so special and so unique because the other animals can't play the fucking piano.

FILLMORE DISCOS 33

Food, Inc. (***)
the information is familiar yet presented in a pleasingly visual manner - Schlosser is his usual wonderfully dry erudite self; stars deducted however for the Stonyfield puff piece and Bruce Springsteen in the final credits

H2: Halloween II (*****)
I'm not fooled by the stupid prejudices that Rob Zombie seems to attract, nor by the myth that the snoozefest John Carpenter original is some kind of inimitable classic: finally, after 31 years' wait, we get the definitive Michael Myers experience

Star Trek (**)
Star Trek, for some reason, translates uncomfortably from TV to film - personally, I miss the high camp, the low budget sets, the tremendous original cast, and the lo-cal philosophical allegory - much care and attention to detail has been expended upon this flashy new prequel, the effects and cinematography are tremendous, but ultimately it lacks charm and soul

Angst (***)
an interesting oddity, and clearly an enormous influence on Gaspar Noe in I Stand Alone - there's an irreconcilable incongruence between the calm thoughtful narrative and the killer's flailing lack of premeditation as he commits the crimes; also his clownish ineptitude becomes as increasingly irritating as does the excessive use of shoulder mounted cameras; still, that said, it's well worth seeing and boasts a nice Klaus Schulze soundtrack

The Ugly Truth (***)
oh yes please, the sublimely guilty yet satisfying pleasure of a chick flick with Katherine Heigl

Gimme Shelter (***)
shocking not only for the infamous violence, but also for how rubbish those mockneys the Stones are as a live act

A Perfect Getaway (*)
the scenery of the islands of Hawaii is as spectacular as this film is stupid - Milla Jovovich is wasted in this utter trash

Loft (*)
why let what is a decent story here get in the way of 'cutting-edge' design effects and enthusiasm of Final Cut Pro film school graduates? or the incredibly irksome soundtrack composer that refuses to be quiet for a single second?

The Damned United (***)
perfectly enjoyable film that probably overemphasises the comic moments that at times verge on Mike Bassett territory; this has the effect of making what is a fascinating character study of this extraordinary man Clough seem rather superficial

Dead Snow (*)
silly Norwegian sub-Sam Raimi zombie spoof - and when will directors learn? it's scientifically proven that zombies, Nazi or otherwise, can but shamble never to run

Sorority Row (**)
Sorority Row starts out great, with some nice cinematography and darkly humorous Mean Girls bitchspeak - sadly, the plot flatlines after half an hour or so to become a laboured generic popcorn slasher, with the unscariest villain of all time

Deadgirl (*)
if directed by Pascal Laugier ('Martyrs') then maybe, but as it is, this film is a dreary teen/horror/comedy/romance/allegory hybrid that fails on all counts - in fact, the final act gets so boring that you don't care how the film ends, just that it ends; oh, and anyone making a movie with a premise as sick as this shouldn't get all coy about showing graphic sex and violence

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WEB EXCLUSIVE

There's a web exclusive track from Afro Noise I featured at The Wire magazine online site, which is to accompany my Inner Sleeve feature on Yoko Ono's Fly 2LP in the current issue (November 09, #309).

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An introduction to Helvetica cuisine...

Yay, it's Wednesday and it's Steak O'Clock! Presumably the word 'large' is the one blacked out... boo hiss.




'You didn't bring your Privilege Card? I'm sorry, sir, all food is 2-4-1 between 2pm-6pm every day only in possession of said card.'







'Homemade' fish finger sandwich, anyone? Accompanied with the beer battered onion rings perhaps? How about the chili & chocolate burger? Or the highly uncommended Revolution vodka pizza?

One can only guess how excessive the bill was for the design of this horrendous helvetica'd menu; consistent punctuation and correct use of apostrophes clearly come at an unaffordable premium.

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QUICK FIX

Here on a few days' break in a sunny yet bracingly chilly Cologne, including some Benetti action on Friday night in Duesseldorf at Salon Des Amateurs.

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This yellow reflective jacketed stormtrooper might look like an undersized weeble, but woe betide any of you Dundas Street transgressors as you grovel and beg for mercy. In vain.

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